<div>Fang damit an, dass du ihn fragst (Ask), wie es ihm geht.„Wie läuft es zu Hause?“„Du scheinst in letzter Zeit ein bisschen neben dir zu stehen… geht es dir gut?“„Mir ist aufgefallen, dass du dich in letzter Zeit ganz schön durchhängst.. geht‘s dir gut?“Die richtigen Fragen zum richtigen Zeitpunkt zu stellen ist wichtig, wenn man ins Gespräch kommen will.Wenn du denkst, dass ein Mann Probleme hat oder gestresst, unglücklich oder wütend ist, stell ihm ein paar Fragen, um ihm zu zeigen, dass er dir wichtig ist.Willst du einem Mann dabei helfen, über seine Gefühle zu sprechen?Versuch das: „Diese Woche war ganz schrecklich für mich, wie ist sie für dich gelaufen?“Oder rede über Dinge, die ihm am Herzen liegen, um ein Gefühl dafür zu bekommen, wie es ihm geht:„Wie läuft es bei der Arbeit?“ / „Wie läuft es mit deiner Frau/deinem Sohn/deiner Tochter?“Überlege dir, ob die Frage angemessen istEs ist wichtig, den richtigen Zeitpunkt und Ort für eine sensible Unterhaltung zu finden. Es könnte schwer sein, sich darauf zu konzentrieren, wenn z. B. die Leute um einen herum gerade zu Mittag essen und es im Hintergrund entsprechend laut ist. Suche nach einem privaten, ruhigen und angemessenen Ort, an dem er sich wohl fühlt und zu einem Gespräch bereit ist. Es muss nicht alles perfekt sein. Auch wenn ihr euch nicht persönlich sehen könnt, kannst du mit ihm reden, als ob er neben dir säße.Stelle offene FragenOffene Fragen sind ein guter Ansatz, um aufschlussreiche Gespräche zu stimulieren, den Gesprächsfluss zu erhalten und zu zeigen, dass du dich aufrichtig sorgst. Offene Fragen sind Fragen, die sich nicht mit einem Wort beantworten lassen. Offene Fragen geben deinem Gegenüber auch die Gelegenheit, mehr zu erzählen.Beispiele für offene Fragen: „Wie geht es dir heute“ oder „Was ist dir in letzter Zeit durch den Kopf gegangen?“Geschlossene Fragen wie z. B. „Bist du wütend?“ führen normalerweise zu einsilbigen Antworten wie „ja“ oder „nein“.Wenn du offene Fragen stellst, musst du genau zuhören, konkret werden und dabei echtes Interesse zeigen.Gestalte ehrliche GesprächeEchte Gespräche gehen über Themen wie Arbeit, Sport oder die neueste Show auf Netflix hinaus. Wenn du selbst zeigst, dass du offen, ehrlich und verletzlich sein kannst, kannst du mit deinem Gegenüber ein echtes Gespräch führen. Wenn du über deine eigenen Probleme sprichst, kann du bestimmten Themen das Stigma nehmen und dabei eine engere und bedeutendere Beziehung aufbauen.Wenn du glaubst, dass jemand mit psychischen Problemen zu kämpfen hat, solltest du nicht zögern, diese Person zu fragen, ob du etwas tun kannst, um sie zu unterstützen – schlimmer wird es dadurch nicht.</div>

Fragen

<div>Zeig ihm, dass du ihm zuhörst (Listen), und schenk ihm deine volle Aufmerksamkeit.Zuhören ist mehr, also nur zu hören, was jemand sagt. Ein guter Zuhörer muss sich konzentrieren. Jeder braucht ein offenes Ohr von jemandem, dem er vertrauen kann, und muss fühlen, dass ihm zugehört und dass er verstanden wird, wenn er spricht. Höre zu, um zu verstehen, und nicht so sehr, um zu antworten.Hab ein offenes OhrManchmal muss jemand nur das loswerden, was ihn gerade beschäftigt. Gutes Zuhören beginnt damit, ein offenes Ohr zu leihen oder eine Gelegenheit zum Ideenaustausch anzubieten. Das bedeutet, Annahmen, Urteile und die Versuchung zu vermeiden, Antworten zu liefern, während er dir sein Herz ausschüttet.Stelle klärende FragenWenn du nicht richtig verstanden hast, was er gesagt hat, kannst du ruhig weitere Fragen zur Klärung stellen.Hilf ihm dabei, über seine Gefühle zu sprechen. „Du bist jetzt bestimmt ziemlich aufgebracht?“Normalisiere seine Reaktion. „Es ist verständlich, dass du dich so fühlst.“ „Wahrscheinlich würden sich die meisten Leute in dieser Situation genauso fühlen.“Vermeide es, seine Gedanken oder Gefühle abzutun (sage z. B. nicht „über sowas braucht man sich nicht aufzuregen“ oder „warum regst du dich darüber auf?“)Du kannst z. B. die folgenden Fragen stellen:<ul><li>Was meinst du mit ...</li><li>Kannst du mir ein bisschen mehr über ... erzählen?</li><li>Kannst du mir ein Beispiel geben?</li><li>Wie hast du dich dabei gefühlt?</li><li>Willst du sagen, dass ...</li><li>Fühlst du dich ...</li><li>Meinst du ...</li></ul>Tipps für gutes Zuhören<ul><li>Achte auf seine Sprache einschließlich der Körpersprache (Tonfall, Tempo und Lautstärke). Erscheint er dir offen? Unruhig? Beides? Erhebt er seine Stimme und erscheint er aufgeregt/reizbar? Höre zu, was er sagt, und achte dabei nicht nur auf seine Worte. Das könnte dir wertvolle Hinweise geben und dir zeigen, wie du weiter vorgehen kannst. Hält er Blickkontakt? Ist er dir zugewandt oder abgewandt? Scheint er sich körperlich unwohl zu fühlen?</li><li>Schenke ihm deine volle Aufmerksamkeit. Leg dein Handy weg, mach den Fernseher aus und wähle einen Ort, wo ihr so wenig wie möglich abgelenkt werdet. Damit zeigst du Respekt und dass dieses Gespräch für dich Priorität hat.</li><li>Nimm ernst, was er sagt. Wenn ein Mann sagt, dass er „gestresst“ ist oder sich „elend fühlt“, akzeptiere es.</li><li>Versuche nicht, Gründe zu finden, warum er sich nicht genau so fühlen sollte, wie er sich nun einmal fühlt. Das hilft ihm nicht weiter.</li><li>Höre ihm zu und biete ihm deine Unterstützung an. Lass ihn wissen, dass er mit seinen Problemen nicht alleine ist und dass du für ihn da bist.</li><li>Greife auf, was er gesagt hat – „es scheint, als ob“ / „das klingt, als ob“ / „es macht den Eindruck, als ob“ / „sieht aus, also ob du dich wirklich über ihn geärgert hast“.</li><li>Fasse die Situation zusammen – „deiner Meinung nach war die Entscheidung also unfair“ / „ich habe den Eindruck, dass du sehr frustriert bist und deinen Job gerne behalten hättest“. Lass ihn wissen, dass du ihn verstehst, indem du z. B. sagst: „Ich kann sehen, dass dich das sehr beunruhigt.“ Diese Art von Bestätigung zeigt ihm, dass du ihm zuhörst, mit ihm fühlst und seine Gedanken und Gefühle anerkennst.</li><li>Du solltest das Gespräch nicht unterbrechen oder zu schnell vorantreiben.</li><li>Es ist völlig in Ordnung, auch mal zu schweigen, auch wenn es etwas unbehaglich ist.</li><li>Du solltest emotionale Reaktionen akzeptieren und anerkennen.</li><li>Hab Geduld. Manche Leute brauchen Zeit oder Abstand, bevor sie bereit sind, Hilfe anzunehmen. Du kannst ihm ehrlich sagen, warum du dir Sorgen machst, und ihn wissen lassen, dass du für ihn da bist. Wenn er nicht zum Reden bereit ist, kannst du später wieder nach ihm sehen.</li><li>Das Wichtigste ist, ihm klarzumachen, dass sich jemand um ihn sorgt und dass er um Hilfe bitten kann, wenn es ihm schlecht geht usw.</li></ul></div>

Zuhören

<div>Ermutige (Encourage) ihn, sich auf einfache Dinge zu konzentrieren, die seine Stimmung heben können.Ermutige Männer zu Handlungen, wenn diese erforderlich sind. Dabei geht es sowohl um ihre körperliche als auch um ihre psychische Gesundheit.Gesundes Essen und BewegungUnser Körper ist von entscheidender Bedeutung für unser Wohlbefinden. Wenn wir uns nicht um unsere körperliche Gesundheit kümmern, kann sich das auf alle Lebensbereiche auswirken, insbesondere auf unsere Laune und unsere psychische Gesundheit. Jemanden zu ermutigen, mehr auf sich zu achten oder ihm dabei zu helfen, kann sein Wohlbefinden verbessern.Du könntest Folgendes vorschlagen:<ul><li>In einer schönen Landschaft wandern oder joggen</li><li>Kurze und abwechslungsreiche Übungen (auch online)</li><li>Mehr und besser schlafen</li><li>Gesund essen und ausreichend Wasser trinken</li><li>Alkohol- und Drogenkonsum reduzieren</li></ul>Lass ihn wissen, dass er dabei nicht alleine sein muss, dass du für ihn da bist und auch gerne mit ihm wandern oder trainieren gehst.Falls er sich nicht für diese Vorschläge interessiert, kannst du auch etwas anderes versuchen. Denk daran – es gibt keine Standardlösung für alle. Wenn er sich aber ernsthaft um Veränderungen bemüht, kann er dadurch herausfinden, was für ihn am besten funktioniert.Hol dir bei Bedarf Hilfe„Hilfe“ muss kein schmutziges Wort sein. Wir brauchen alle ab und zu mal Hilfe. In diesen schweren Zeiten ist es wichtig, füreinander da zu sein.Aber denk daran – so sehr du auch jemandem helfen möchtest, musst du das nicht ganz alleine machen. Jetzt ist es an der Zeit, weitere Leute hinzuzuziehen, zum Beispiel:<ul><li>Familie und Freunde</li><li>Psychologen oder Therapeuten</li><li>deinen Hausarzt</li></ul>Wenn persönliche Gespräche nicht sein Ding sind, gibt es andere Möglichkeiten:Beratungsstellen – geschulte Fachkräfte kann man normalerweise per SMS, E-Mail oder Online-Chat erreichenWebseiten (insbesondere für sozial isolierte Männer oder Männer, die sich nicht gerne am Telefon unterhalten)Brauchst du selbst Hilfe? Du kannst weder anderen noch dir selbst helfen, wenn du am Ende bist. Nimm dir die obigen Ratschläge zu Herzen und nimm dir Zeit für dich selbst. Wenn du das Gefühl hast, mehr Unterstützung zu brauchen, hol sie dir.</div>

Zu Handlungen ermutigen

<div>Sieh nach ihm (Check-in), nachdem du mit ihm gesprochen hast.Ein wichtiger Teil dieses Prozesses ist, nach ihm zu sehen. Damit lässt du ihn wissen, dass du dich um ihn sorgst und auf seiner Seite bist.In schwierigen Zeiten auf jemanden zuzugehen kann ihm Hoffnung und ein Gespür dafür geben, wie stark sein Unterstützungsnetzwerk ist.Baue ein Vertrauensverhältnis aufDer Aufbau eines durch Vertrauen geprägten Verhältnisses ist häufig ein langwieriger Prozess. Es ist wichtig, aufrichtig, ehrlich und beständig zu sein und stets Vertraulichkeit zu wahren. Triff dich wieder mit ihm, wenn du ihm sagst, dass du dich wieder mit ihm treffen wirst. Klare Kommunikation ist wichtig – besonders dann, wenn du deine Pläne ändern musst.Plane weitere TreffenAnhaltende Gespräche sind für den Wert deiner Beziehungen von entscheidender Bedeutung. Nachdem du gefragt, zugehört und zu Handlungen ermutigt hast, solltest du immer eine Zeit für weitere Treffen oder Gespräche ausmachen.Du kannst eine SMS schicken, anrufen oder zu einem persönlichen Treffen einladen.Fragen zu stellen kann dabei helfen, ins Gespräch zu kommen: „Wie ist es dir ergangen, seit wir uns zum letzten Mal gesehen haben?“ oder „Wie hast du geschlafen / dich gefühlt, seit wir uns zum letzten Mal gesehen haben?“ oder „Wie ist deine Stimmung seit letzter Woche?“Frag ihn, ob er professionelle Hilfe in Anspruch genommen oder darüber nachgedacht hat (wenn er gesagt hat, dass er das tun würde). Du könntest fragen „Wie hast du mit ... Kontakt aufgenommen?“Du solltest für die Männer in deinem Leben erreichbar bleiben.Wenn wir ein Vorbild sind, wenn es um unsere eigene psychische Gesundheit geht, können wir die Männer in unserem Leben dazu ermutigen, ihr eigenes Wohlbefinden erhöhen zu wollen.</div>

Check in – Sieh nach ihm

Test 34

Let them know you're listening and give them your full attention

Sam and I had another huge fight. It's the third this week. Nothing I say or do is right!

Everyone expects more and more from me. If it's not Sam, it's work. They just pile on more and more crap for me to do. Then Sam's telling me to stop drinking and to spend more time at home. When do I get to relax? 

My work is piling up too. Have you talked to your boss?

It sounds like you're feeling pressure from both work and Sam, so there's no give. Is that right?

Suck it up and let me get you another drink.

<div>It happens. Sometimes we listen without really hearing. It’s more like we’re waiting for our turn to talk or thinking about what we’re going to say next. We can get so caught up on saying the right thing. When we do this though, we can miss out on really hearing and understanding what the other person is saying. It's important that when we're listening, our goal is to understand rather than to respond.</div>

Listen to understand, not respond

Focus on what’s being said and not what you’ll say back. Pause and reflect back what you've heard: "What I'm hearing is...is that right?". Finally, don’t be afraid of some silence.

Listen to understand

Stay completely frozen to show you're paying attention.

Face them front on to show you're intensely listening. 

Nod along occasionally, especially when something big or important is said.

<div>So you’ve gotten him to open up and start talking. Nice one! When you’re listening to him talk, make sure you show you're engaged. This is called active listening. It shows you care and think what he’s saying is important.You can show you're engaged through actions (like nodding) or words (saying 'uh-huh' or 'sure'). And put your phone away to give your undivided attention.When talking to guys there's no need to hold eye contact for a super long time. This can be too intense for some men. Brief eye contact will do. A second here and there. Sitting side-by-side can also help men feel more comfortable. Summing up what they've said shows you've been paying attention.</div>

Show you're engaged and paying attention

Only a small percentage of what we communicate in conversations is through talking. Our facial expressions, posture, eye contact, and tone all show how engaged and focused we are in a conversation. Slouching or stretching, on the other hand, might suggest boredom or indifference.

Show you're engaged

Ask them lots of questions to show your interest

Interrupt them often to say it sounds like a shit show

Use words like 'yep', 'uh-huh' and 'sure' to encourage them to continue talking

What should you say?

Show you’re engaged 

How should you use eye contact?

Learn how to actively listen

Now let's recap on learning how to actively listen:

Continue learning about the 'Listen' skill

<ul><li>Get comfortable with silence: let him talk</li><li>Focus on what’s being said rather than how you’ll respond</li><li>Listen carefully to what he says and reflect back what you've heard</li><li>Show you're engaged through actions (like nodding) or words (such as 'uh-huh' or 'sure')</li><li>Put your phone away to give your full attention</li><li>Go for brief eye contact and try sitting side-by-side for your chats.</li></ul>

Put the tiny violin away and let me get you another drink

<div>It happens. Sometimes we listen without really hearing. It’s more like we’re waiting for our turn to talk or thinking about what we’re going to say next. We can get so caught up on saying the right thing.When we do this though, we can miss out on really hearing and understanding what the other person is saying. It's important that when we're listening, our goal is to understand rather than to respond.</div>

Listen to understand, not to respond

Listening tips

<div>So you’ve gotten him to open up and start talking. Nice one! When you’re listening to him talk, make sure you show you're engaged. This is called active listening. It shows you care and think what he’s saying is important.You can show you're engaged through actions (like nodding ) or words (saying 'uh-huh' or 'sure'). And put your phone away to give your undivided attentionWhen talking to guys there's no need to hold eye contact for a super long time. This can be too intense for some men. Brief eye contact will do. A second here and there. Sitting side-by-side can also help men feel more comfortable. Summing up what they've said shows you've been paying attention.</div>

Stay completely frozen to show you're paying attention

Face them front on to show you're intensely listening

Nod along occasionally, especially when something big or important is said

What should you do with your body language?

Continue learning about the Listen skill::

To make me look like a better friend than the others

To create a safe space and show that I'm here to support him

<div>Think about your previous conversations. How could you further support him? Or what you could encourage him to do? Use the other ALEC steps as a guide: Ask, Listen and Encourage action.Take a few deep breaths before the conversation. Try to relax. Focus on your goal - to help your mate. Remind yourself you're doing this because you care.These can be challenging, vulnerable conversations. So, think about what you need as well. Have someone in mind that you can reach out to after your conversation so that you're supported, too.</div>

Easing into a check-in conversation

You might put pressure on yourself to do it perfectly. But there’s no need for that. A simple check-in will do the trick. The best way to help him, is to show your concern and that you're there to support him.

Feeling worried about checking in?

Ask other people if he's OK before I check-in

What can you do to prepare for the check-in if you're nervous?

How’s everything going with what we talked about last time? 

I know this is tough, I'm here for you though. 

What's a great way to open up the check-in conversation?

Learn how to ease your check-in nerves

Nice work! Here's a recap on easing check-in nerves:

<ul><li>Think about your previous conversations. How you could further support him? What could you encourage him to do?</li><li>Take a few deep breaths before you start the conversation. Try to relax. Focus on your goal - to help your mate</li><li>Don’t put pressure on yourself to do it perfectly. A simple check-in will do.</li><li>Use the other ALEC steps as a guide: Ask, Listen and Encourage Action.</li></ul>

Awesome work. You found the best, curious response for each situation and focused on manageable solutions.

Almost. Focus on how they’re viewing the situation and how you can encourage them to take action towards a solution. 

<div>How should you encourage him to take action? The best way is to support him to come up with solutions. Rather than simply telling him what to do. Or expecting him to have all the answers.A good way to do this is by making curious suggestions. For example, “I wonder what it would be like to talk to your partner about some of this stuff", or "What would it be like to start with a small walk in the mornings?"You can also suggest brainstorming solutions together and come up with a few options they can connect with. This support will help them feel more empowered and make it easier for them to decide what feels achievable right now.</div>

Encourage self-help and focus on solutions

Before jumping in with solutions, reflect on what they’ve shared and then ask what feels manageable. And it's OK to not have all the answers. As a start, try to encourage them to take care of themselves and their basic needs.

Emotional vs practical support tips

Learn how to give him encouragement

<div>Nice work! Let’s re-cap on encouraging self-help and solutions:<ul><li>Support him to come up with solutions rather than telling him what to do</li><li>Don’t expect him to have all the answers</li><li>Suggest brainstorming actions or next steps together. A great way to do this, is by making curious suggestions.</li></ul></div>

<div>How do you know when it's time to encourage him to make some changes? First up, make sure you've already asked open questions, listened, and validated his experience. Don't try to encourage him to make changes until you're sure that he's been heard and understood.After that, you can start listening out for 'problem talk' and 'change talk'. Problem talk is when he's still talking about the issues he's having. And the reasons why things can’t or won’t change. You might hear "Yeah but, that won't work because…" or, "Why bother, this is just the way it's going to be."Change talk is when he’s started talking about making a change. Hearing change talk from him lets you know that he's open to talking about possible solutions, e.g. "It would probably be better if…".</div>

Recognize Problem-Talk & Change-Talk

Nice one! Once they start making suggestions about what they could do to improve or change the situation, you know it's time to encourage them. 

Try again. If it seems like they're making excuses and are unwilling to consider possible solutions, they're still in Problem-Talk mode.

If they're still talking about problems and not solutions, that’s OK. They may need you to keep listening, showing empathy and compassion. If they haven't been validated, then they won't be ready for change.

Talk tips

Learn when to give him encouragement

<div>Nice work! Let’s re-cap on when to encourage action:<ul><li>Make sure you’ve asked open questions, listened, and validated his experience</li><li>Don't try to encourage him to make changes until he's been heard and understood</li><li>Listen out for problem-talk and change-talk</li><li>If he offers or considers a solution that's your cue to encourage him.</li></ul></div>

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Test - Put yourself in their shoes with empathy

<div><ul><li>Ask them about what you've observed lately, e.g. about their behavior or events that have happened to open the conversation.</li><li>Demonstrate empathy.</li><li>Use gentle, empathetic language to frame your questions.</li><li>Validate how he's feeling by repeating back what he's said and reflecting on what that would be like. </li></ul></div>

Sam and I had another huge fight. It's the third this week. Nothing I say or do is right! 

Everyone expects more and more from me. If it's not Sam, it's work. They just pile on more and more crap for me to do. And then Sam's telling me to stop drinking and to spend more time at home. How else do I actually decompress? 

My work is full on too. Have you talked to your boss?

<div>Empathy is about putting yourself in the other person's shoes and understanding what they've experienced and how that would make them feel. Sympathy on the other hand, usually involves judgment and can be seen as having pity.Empathy is shown through validating statements. Validating what a man's going through will demonstrate your compassion and care. Reflect back what you've heard, how this would make him feel and ask if you've got it right.</div>

Put yourself in their shoes with empathy

Ask open-ended questions to give the person a chance to share more information, e.g. "I've noticed you seemed pretty flat lately ...has anything been on your mind?"

Empathizing tips

Test - Multi choice exercises animations

Nice one. Asking observational questions can help uncover what’s really going on for a man who might be struggling.

Nice one! Keeping up regular contact shows that you're here for them. Locking in a specific day and time to check-in is also an important step. 

Try again. Keep the check-in's regular and reach out if it's been a while. Try to lock in a specific day and time to check in with them. 

<div>Checking in is an important step after a conversation - one that’s often neglected. So, here’s how to make sure it isn’t skipped.Send a follow-up text message the same day after a chat. It’s a simple way of showing that you care and the conversation isn't finished. It makes checking in later even easier. If you’ve chatted about possible solutions or changes, use this as an opportunity to check in. Ask if they've made any progress or need your help.Lock in set dates or time to connect. It's never too early or too late to check in. But, the sooner after a conversation, the better. Most importantly: don't avoid it altogether.</div>

Understanding the right time and way to check in

It's important to keep checking in and letting him know you're there, even if he's not very engaged. Life gets busy, so pop some reminders in your phone to give you that nudge!

Check in tips

Nice one! It's important to get specific when checking in. Always follow up on what you chatted about last time.

Try again. Try to be specific when checking in. Follow up on what you talked  about last time.

<div>Here’s the thing with checking in: you’ll never make things worse by doing it. Regularly reaching out to men in your life shows them that they're not alone. It also shows that you mean what you say - you're here to support them.One of the most important things you can do is ask about what you'd specifically discussed last time. Get straight to it rather than skirting around it. If you don't check in on what you chatted about last time (even if it was difficult) it’ll show that the relationship isn't a safe space to talk about these things and that you’re not a place of true support. It’ll likely shut the man down from sharing again too. Ask how they are, what’s the latest on their situation, what they need and how you can support them. Always go back to listening if other steps you've tried aren't working.</div>

Working out the right things to say when checking in

<div>Be patient and accept that things may not have gotten better. They may even be worse. Avoid judging them or getting frustrated if they’re not taking action. If you think they're avoiding accepting your help, it's OK to ask about what might be getting in the way.Remember: this is a vulnerable conversation for both the man and you. Make sure you take some time to prepare and look after yourself too.</div>

Learn how to check-in

Well Done! Here are some things to remember about checking-in

<div>Nice work! Let's re-cap on when and how to check-in:<ul><li>It's never too early or too late to check in, but the sooner after a conversation the better</li><li>Lock in set dates or a time to connect</li><li>Plan a check-in that feels right for the situation. Send a follow up text on the day. Organise a catch up if it’s been a while.</li><li>Get straight to what you specifically discussed last time.</li><li>Ask how they are, what’s the latest on their situation, what they need and how you can support them.</li><li>Always go back to listening if other steps you've tried aren't working.</li><li>Avoid judging them or getting frustrated if they’re not taking action.</li></ul></div>

Nice one. Using soft language helps open up the conversation. It also reduces the risk of the person getting defensive and shutting down.

Try to avoid harsh language and absolute statements like ‘never’ and ‘always’. They can shut the conversation down instead of opening it up.

I noticed you've been spending more time alone. Are you okay?

How are you feeling this week? We haven’t talked in awhile.

I saw your car has a broken windshield, is everything alright?

<div>For many men, answering openly and honestly doesn't come naturally. Guys will often shy away from expressing feelings and being honest when life isn't going so well for them. It’s much easier to talk about what you've observed such as behaviour that is out of character, to get a sense of how a man is going. Try asking a few observational questions to promote a healthy conversation.</div>

Talk about what you notice

Try to ask open questions about what you've observed to encourage them to share more than just

Observational Question Tips

 Well done! Soft, gentle language helps to lower defences and allows a man to feel more comfortable being open.

Almost! Remember to soften language so it is gentle and non-critical.

It's not just what you ask, but how you ask it. Aim for a gentle approach that is inquisitive and considerate. This will help put the person at ease and encourage them to open up. Set the tone by using sincere, curious and non-judgmental language. This will help you to respect his boundaries and he's less likely to feel defensive or attacked.

Make sure you’re using soft language

View Tips

Hey man, I’ve been working way too many hours lately. Sorry I’ve been a bad friend.

I get it. I’ve got a lot of stuff going on at my work as well. Want to talk about it?

Sounds like you’re spending a lot of time at work. I’m sure you’re feeling stressed. Want to talk?

What’s empathy exactly? It’s basically just trying to understand another person's world. Also, what they've experienced and how that would make them feel. Empathy is also shown through validating statements. Validating what a man’s going through will build trust. This will help him to feel more comfortable to open up and share what he's feeling.

Learn what to say first and how

Bravo! Here's a re-cap of ‘What do I say first?:’

<ul><li>Ask them about what you've observed lately, e.g. about their behavior or events that have happened to open the conversation.</li><li>Demonstrate empathy.</li><li>Use gentle, empathetic language to frame your questions.</li><li>Validate how he's feeling by repeating back what he's said and reflecting on what that would be like.</li></ul>

Sorry buddy, but I can't come tonight. I'm broke again. Lost a few too many bets last night. And maybe the night before. 

I'm disappointed bud. I was looking forward to having a beer with you.

That sounds rough, man. Why do you think you keep going back to it?

Remind me to never get betting advice from you.

<div>Try keeping an open mind when he’s talking. You want to try and understand things from his point of view. Without making any of your own judgements. And without forcing your views, values, or beliefs onto his experience.We all see the world through a lens that is shaped by our own values and experiences. But keeping an open mind in conversations will help the man feel heard and understood. It’ll also avoid them feeling criticized or judged.</div>

Keep an open mind

Give yourself a few moments to respond. You may disagree with what you've heard. But consider it from his point of view with curiosity and empathy.

Keeping an open mind

Learn how to listen with an open mind 

Continue to the ‘Encourage Action’ skill

<ul><li>Try to understand things from his point of view</li><li>Stay away from making judgments or forcing your views or beliefs onto him</li><li>Take your time to respond with curiosity and empathy</li></ul>

Learn how to ease check-in nerves

Try out your new skills in a practice conversation

<ul><li>Think about your previous conversations. How could further support him? What could you encourage him to do?</li><li>Take a few deep breaths before you start the conversation. Try to relax. Focus on your goal - to help your mate.</li><li>Don’t put pressure on yourself to do it perfectly. A simple check-in will do.</li><li>Use the other ALEC steps as a guide: Ask, Listen and Encourage Action.</li></ul>

Focus on how they’re viewing the situation and how you can encourage them to take action towards a solution. 

Emotional vs practical support

Learn how to encourage action

Let’s recap on encouraging self-help and solutions:

<ul><li>Support him to come up with solutions rather than telling him what to do.</li><li>Don’t expect him to have all the answers.</li><li>Suggest brainstorming actions or next steps together. A great way to do this is to be open and non-judgemental to ideas that come up.</li></ul>

<div>How do you know when it's time to encourage him to make some changes? First up, make sure you've already asked open questions, listened, and validated his experience. Don't try to encourage him to make changes until you're sure that he's been heard and understood. After that, you can start listening out for 'problem talk' and 'change talk'. Problem talk is when he's still talking about the issues he's having. And the reasons why things can’t or won’t change. You might hear "Yeah but, that won't work because…" or, "Why bother, this is just the way it's going to be."Change talk is when he’s started talking about making a change. Hearing change talk from him lets you know that he's open to talking about possible solutions, e.g. "It would probably be better if…".</div>

Once they start making suggestions about what they could do to improve or change the situation, you know it's time to encourage them. 

If it seems like they're making excuses and are unwilling to consider possible solutions, they're still in Problem-Talk mode.

Problem-Talk & Change-Talk

Learn when to encourage action

Let’s recap on when to encourage action:

Keep learning about the ‘Encouraging Action’ skill

<ul><li>Make sure you’ve asked open questions, listened, and validated his experience</li><li>Don't try to encourage him to make changes until he's been heard and understood</li><li>Listen out for problem-talk and change-talk</li><li>If he offers or considers a solution that's your cue to encourage him</li></ul>

Ready for some practice?

Pick a topic and we’ll guide you through how to start the conversation with confidence and keep it moving in a healthy, non-judgmental direction.