<div>Commencez par être à l’affût en demandant comment il se sent.« Comment ça se passe à la maison? »« Tu n’as pas l’air dans ton assiette… tout va bien? » « J’ai remarqué que t’es plus tranquille que d’habitude… est-ce que ça va? »Il est essentiel de poser les bonnes questions au bon moment pour aider un homme à s’ouvrir.Tâchez d’ÊTRE À L’AFFÛT si un homme de votre entourage vous semble stressé, malheureux, en difficulté ou en colère, et posez-lui des questions pour lui montrer que vous vous souciez de lui.Vous voulez aider un homme à exprimer ses sentiments?Essayez cette question : « Cette semaine est éprouvante pour moi, et toi, tu t’en sors comment? »Ou encore, essayez de lui parler de ce qui l’intéresse pour avoir un indice de son état :« Comment ça va au travail ces jours-ci? » ou « Comment va ta relation avec ton/ta partenaire/fils/fille? »Déterminer le contexte appropriéIl est important de trouver le bon moment et le bon endroit pour avoir des conversations délicates. Il est plus difficile de se concentrer autour de l’heure du souper ou lorsqu’il y a beaucoup de bruit en arrière-plan, par exemple. Choisissez un endroit privé, calme et approprié pour aider l’autre à se sentir à l’aise et ouvert à l’échange. N’attendez pas que tout soit parfait. Même si vous ne pouvez pas vous rencontrer en personne, vous pouvez lui parler comme si vous étiez assis côte à côte et être quand même pleinement présent.Poser des questions ouvertesLes questions ouvertes sont un excellent moyen de favoriser des conversations constructives et fluides et de montrer que vous vous intéressez sincèrement à l’autre. Les questions ouvertes sont celles qui nécessitent une réponse de plus d’un mot. Elles offrent également à l’autre personne la possibilité de communiquer plus de renseignements.Les questions ouvertes peuvent ressembler à celles-ci : « Comment te sens-tu aujourd’hui? » ou « À quoi penses-tu ces temps-ci? »Les questions fermées mènent à des réponses fermées comme « oui » ou « non ». Elles peuvent ressembler à celles-ci : « Es-tu contrarié en ce moment? » ou « Est-ce que tu te couches tard ces temps-ci? »Optez pour des questions ouvertes afin d’obtenir des réponses précises et portez une attention particulière aux réponses. Plus vous en saurez sur l’autre, plus il sera facile d’entretenir une conversation en montrant que votre intérêt est sincère.Ouvrir la porte aux conversations honnêtesLes conversations vraies s’étendent au-delà de sujets comme le travail, les voitures ou le sport. Le fait de démontrer sa capacité à être honnête, ouvert et vulnérable est une excellente façon d’aider un homme à s’ouvrir. En osant exposer vos propres difficultés, vous serez plus à même de désamorcer les problèmes et de développer des relations plus étroites.Si vous pensez qu’un homme éprouve des problèmes de santé mentale, n’hésitez pas à lui demander s’il a besoin d’aide. Cela ne fera pas empirer les choses.</div>

ÊTRE À L’AFFÛT

<div>Faites-lui savoir que vous restez à l’écoute et accordez-lui toute votre attention.Écouter l’autre, ce n’est pas simplement l’entendre. Une « bonne écoute » exige de la concentration. Au fond, les hommes ont besoin de l’oreille de quelqu’un en qui ils peuvent avoir confiance. Apprenez à écouter pour mieux comprendre plutôt que d’écouter pour mieux répondre.Se faire l’écho de l’autreParfois, les gens ont simplement besoin de se délester d’un poids. Pour bien écouter, il faut d’abord savoir fournir un son de cloche différent ou la possibilité d’échanger des idées. Il faut donc éviter de formuler des hypothèses, d’émettre un jugement ou de fournir des réponses pendant que l’autre se défoule.Poser des questions de clarificationSi vous avez besoin de clarifier une information que vous croyez avoir entendue, n’hésitez pas à poser d’autres questions. Soyez sincère et dites que vous voulez simplement comprendre mieux.Aidez-le à exprimer ses sentiments. « J’imagine que tu dois être très contrarié en ce moment. »Montrez-lui que sa réaction est normale. « Je comprends que tu te sentes ainsi... » ou « La plupart des gens dans cette situation se sentiraient comme toi en ce moment. »Évitez de rejeter ses pensées ou ses sentiments, notamment en lui disant : « Ça ne vaut pas la peine d’être en colère! » ou « Pourquoi te mets-tu en colère pour cela? »Voici quelques suggestions d’amorces de questions :<ul><li>Que veux-tu dire par...?</li><li>Peux-tu m’en dire un peu plus sur...?</li><li>Peux-tu me donner un exemple de…?</li><li>Comment as-tu vécu cela?</li><li>Es-tu en train de dire que...?</li><li>Te sens-tu...?</li><li>Veux-tu dire que...?</li></ul>Conseils en or pour une bonne écoute<ul><li>Concentrez-vous sur son langage corporel et son élocution (ton, débit et volume de la voix). Semble-t-il ouvert? Anxieux? Les deux? Élève-t-il la voix et semble-t-il agité ou irritable? Écoutez-le au-delà des mots. Cela vous guidera sur la façon d’approfondir la conversation et pourrait vous fournir des indices essentiels. Établit-il un contact visuel? Est-il tourné vers vous ou dans une autre direction? Semble-t-il physiquement mal à l’aise?</li><li>Accordez-lui toute votre attention. Rangez votre téléphone, éteignez la télévision et choisissez un endroit sans aucune distraction. Vous ferez ainsi preuve de respect et montrerez que vous faites de cette conversation une priorité.</li><li>Prenez au sérieux ce qu’il vous dit. Si un homme dit qu’il se sent « stressé » ou « déprimé », acceptez-le.</li><li>Ne tentez pas de le convaincre qu’un homme ne devrait pas ressentir justement ce qu’il ressent. Cela ne l’aidera pas.</li><li>Restez à l’écoute et offrez-lui du soutien. Dites-lui qu’il n’a pas besoin de traverser seul cette épreuve et que vous êtes là pour lui.</li><li>Revenez sur ce qu’il a dit : « On dirait que... Je comprends que... J’ai l’impression que… Tu as vraiment l’air fâché contre... »</li><li>Résumez la situation : « C’est comme si tu avais l’impression que la décision était injuste... » ou « J’ai l’impression que tu es assez frustré et que tu aurais aimé conserver ton emploi... » Formulez des énoncés de validation, comme : « Je vois bien que cela t’inquiète vraiment. » La validationdémontre que vous entendez l’autre, que vous faites preuve d’empathie à son égard et que vous prenez ses pensées et ses sentiments en considération.</li><li>Évitez de l’interrompre ou de précipiter la conversation.</li><li>Laissez place au silence, même s’il peut parfois sembler gênant.</li><li>Acceptez et prenez en considération les réactions émotionnelles.</li><li>Soyez patient... Certaines personnes ont besoin de temps ou d’espace avant d’accepter de l’aide. Vous pouvez lui dire en toute honnêteté que vous êtes inquiet et que vous êtes là pour lui. Si l’homme n’est pas prêt à parler, vous pourrez reprendre de ses nouvelles à un autre moment.</li><li>L’objectif principal est de s’assurer que l’homme sait qu’on se soucie de lui et qu’il peut demander du soutien s’il se sent abattu, notamment.</li></ul></div>

RESTER À L’ÉCOUTE

<div>Incitez-le à se concentrer sur des choses simples qui pourraient améliorer son bien-être.Il faut inciter les hommes à agir selon leur besoin et à prendre soin d’eux. Cela vaut aussi bien pour la santé physique que pour la santé mentale. Et qui n’aime pas prendre soin de soi?Bien manger et demeurer actifUn élément clé du bien-être consiste à prendre soin de son corps. Lorsque nous ne traitons pas notre santé physique comme une priorité, cela peut affecter tous les domaines de notre vie, en particulier notre humeur et notre santé mentale. Encourager ou aider une personne à mieux prendre soin d’elle peut la guider vers une amélioration de son bien-être.Vous pourriez lui faire les suggestions suivantes :<ul><li>Faire une promenade ou courir en plein air</li><li>Pratiquer une série d’exercices simples et amusants (il y a même des options offertes en ligne)</li><li>Profiter de bonnes nuits de sommeil</li><li>Manger sainement et boire beaucoup d’eau</li><li>Réduire sa consommation d’alcool et de drogues</li></ul>Faites-lui savoir qu’il n’a pas besoin de le faire seul. Entraînez-vous ou faites une promenade avec lui pour passer du temps ensemble.Si ces suggestions ne l’intéressent pas, incitez-le à résoudre lui-même ses problèmes (en essayant de faire les choses différemment). Gardez en tête qu’il n’y a aucune solution miracle qui fonctionne pour tout le monde, mais que le fait d’essayer différentes approches de changement peut aider un homme à découvrir ce qui fonctionne pour lui.Demander de l’aide au besoinIl n’y a pas de honte à demander de l’aide. Nous avons tous besoin d’un coup de pouce de temps à autre. Et en ces temps d’incertitude, nous avons plus que jamais besoin de solidarité.Toutefois, même si vous souhaitez apporter votre soutien à quelqu’un, ne placez pas tout le poids sur vos épaules. Le moment est venu de faire appeler à un réseau de soutien élargi, notamment :<ul><li>La famille et les amis</li><li>Des psychologues ou des thérapeutes</li><li>Votre médecin de famille</li></ul>Si la personne que vous voulez soutenir ne veut pas d’aide directe, il existe d’autres options :Lignes d’aide – pour communiquer par message texte, par courriel ou par clavardage en ligneSites Web – en particulier pour les hommes isolés socialement ou qui ne se sentent pas à l’aise de parler au téléphoneVous avez vous-même besoin d’aide? Vous ne pouvez pas aider quelqu’un, ni vous-même d’ailleurs, si vous n’en avez pas l’énergie. Suivez les mêmes conseils décrits ci-dessus et exercez-vous à prendre soin de vous-même.Si vous commencez à sentir que vous avez besoin de plus de soutien, demandez de l’aide</div>

INCITER À L’ACTION

<div>Continuez la conversation en proposant de faire un suivi à un autre moment.L’intention manifeste de continuer la conversation est un élément clé de l’approche que nous proposons. Elle envoie le message clair que vous vous souciez de la personne et que vous êtes sincèrement de son côté.En période difficile, le simple fait de tendre la main peut donner de l’espoir à quelqu’un et lui rappeler la force de son réseau de soutien.Établir la confianceL’établissement d’une relation et le maintien de la confiance peuvent représenter un processus lent. Il est important de rester authentique, honnête, cohérent et de toujours maintenir la confidentialité. Prenez des nouvelles si vous dites que vous allez le faire. Une communication claire est importante, surtout si vous devez modifier vos plans.Planifier un suiviUne conversation continue est essentielle pour assurer la valeur durable de votre relation. Une fois que vous avez posé des questions, écouté et incité à l’action, prenez soin de toujours prendre des nouvelles de l’autre à un moment ultérieur pour continuer la conversation.Vous pouvez lui envoyer un message texte, l’appeler ou le rencontrer.Le fait de poser des questions peut être utile pour entamer une conversation : « Comment t’es-tu senti depuis notre dernière conversation? » ou « Comment est ton sommeil/humeur depuis qu’on s’est parlé? » ou encore « Comment te sens-tu depuis la semaine dernière? »Vous pouvez ensuite vérifier s’il a demandé l’aide d’un professionnel (dans le cas où il avait l’intention de le faire) : « Comment s’est passée ta première rencontre avec…? »Communiquer au moyen de l’approche ERICL’utilisation de l’approche ERIC peut vous aider à engager des conversations plus efficaces et authentiques avec les hommes de votre entourage.Suivez simplement les étapes suivantes pour entamer une conversation avec un homme :ÊTRE À L’AFFÛTCommencez par lui demander comment il se sent. Mentionnez tout ce que vous avez remarqué, comme le fait qu’il ne réponde plus à ses messages textes.RESTER À L’ÉCOUTE Accordez-lui toute votre attention. Faites-lui savoir que vous l’écoutez.INCITER À L’ACTIONAidez-le à se concentrer sur des choses simples qui pourraient améliorer son bien-être, comme le sommeil, l’alimentation et l’activité physique.CONTINUER LA CONVERSATIONPrenez de ses nouvelles par téléphone ou appel vidéo pour savoir comment il se sent.SURTOUT, demeurez accessibles pour les hommes de votre entourage</div>

CONTINUER LA CONVERSATION

Test 34

Let them know you're listening and give them your full attention

Sam and I had another huge fight. It's the third this week. Nothing I say or do is right!

Everyone expects more and more from me. If it's not Sam, it's work. They just pile on more and more crap for me to do. Then Sam's telling me to stop drinking and to spend more time at home. When do I get to relax? 

My work is piling up too. Have you talked to your boss?

It sounds like you're feeling pressure from both work and Sam, so there's no give. Is that right?

Suck it up and let me get you another drink.

<div>It happens. Sometimes we listen without really hearing. It’s more like we’re waiting for our turn to talk or thinking about what we’re going to say next. We can get so caught up on saying the right thing. When we do this though, we can miss out on really hearing and understanding what the other person is saying. It's important that when we're listening, our goal is to understand rather than to respond.</div>

Listen to understand, not respond

Focus on what’s being said and not what you’ll say back. Pause and reflect back what you've heard: "What I'm hearing is...is that right?". Finally, don’t be afraid of some silence.

Listen to understand

Stay completely frozen to show you're paying attention.

Face them front on to show you're intensely listening. 

Nod along occasionally, especially when something big or important is said.

<div>So you’ve gotten him to open up and start talking. Nice one! When you’re listening to him talk, make sure you show you're engaged. This is called active listening. It shows you care and think what he’s saying is important.You can show you're engaged through actions (like nodding) or words (saying 'uh-huh' or 'sure'). And put your phone away to give your undivided attention.When talking to guys there's no need to hold eye contact for a super long time. This can be too intense for some men. Brief eye contact will do. A second here and there. Sitting side-by-side can also help men feel more comfortable. Summing up what they've said shows you've been paying attention.</div>

Show you're engaged and paying attention

Only a small percentage of what we communicate in conversations is through talking. Our facial expressions, posture, eye contact, and tone all show how engaged and focused we are in a conversation. Slouching or stretching, on the other hand, might suggest boredom or indifference.

Show you're engaged

Ask them lots of questions to show your interest

Interrupt them often to say it sounds like a shit show

Use words like 'yep', 'uh-huh' and 'sure' to encourage them to continue talking

What should you say?

Show you’re engaged 

How should you use eye contact?

Learn how to actively listen

Now let's recap on learning how to actively listen:

Continue learning about the 'Listen' skill

<ul><li>Get comfortable with silence: let him talk</li><li>Focus on what’s being said rather than how you’ll respond</li><li>Listen carefully to what he says and reflect back what you've heard</li><li>Show you're engaged through actions (like nodding) or words (such as 'uh-huh' or 'sure')</li><li>Put your phone away to give your full attention</li><li>Go for brief eye contact and try sitting side-by-side for your chats.</li></ul>

Put the tiny violin away and let me get you another drink

<div>It happens. Sometimes we listen without really hearing. It’s more like we’re waiting for our turn to talk or thinking about what we’re going to say next. We can get so caught up on saying the right thing.When we do this though, we can miss out on really hearing and understanding what the other person is saying. It's important that when we're listening, our goal is to understand rather than to respond.</div>

Listen to understand, not to respond

Listening tips

<div>So you’ve gotten him to open up and start talking. Nice one! When you’re listening to him talk, make sure you show you're engaged. This is called active listening. It shows you care and think what he’s saying is important.You can show you're engaged through actions (like nodding ) or words (saying 'uh-huh' or 'sure'). And put your phone away to give your undivided attentionWhen talking to guys there's no need to hold eye contact for a super long time. This can be too intense for some men. Brief eye contact will do. A second here and there. Sitting side-by-side can also help men feel more comfortable. Summing up what they've said shows you've been paying attention.</div>

Stay completely frozen to show you're paying attention

Face them front on to show you're intensely listening

Nod along occasionally, especially when something big or important is said

What should you do with your body language?

Continue learning about the Listen skill::

To make me look like a better friend than the others

To create a safe space and show that I'm here to support him

<div>Think about your previous conversations. How could you further support him? Or what you could encourage him to do? Use the other ALEC steps as a guide: Ask, Listen and Encourage action.Take a few deep breaths before the conversation. Try to relax. Focus on your goal - to help your mate. Remind yourself you're doing this because you care.These can be challenging, vulnerable conversations. So, think about what you need as well. Have someone in mind that you can reach out to after your conversation so that you're supported, too.</div>

Easing into a check-in conversation

You might put pressure on yourself to do it perfectly. But there’s no need for that. A simple check-in will do the trick. The best way to help him, is to show your concern and that you're there to support him.

Feeling worried about checking in?

Ask other people if he's OK before I check-in

What can you do to prepare for the check-in if you're nervous?

How’s everything going with what we talked about last time? 

I know this is tough, I'm here for you though. 

What's a great way to open up the check-in conversation?

Learn how to ease your check-in nerves

Nice work! Here's a recap on easing check-in nerves:

<ul><li>Think about your previous conversations. How you could further support him? What could you encourage him to do?</li><li>Take a few deep breaths before you start the conversation. Try to relax. Focus on your goal - to help your mate</li><li>Don’t put pressure on yourself to do it perfectly. A simple check-in will do.</li><li>Use the other ALEC steps as a guide: Ask, Listen and Encourage Action.</li></ul>

Awesome work. You found the best, curious response for each situation and focused on manageable solutions.

Almost. Focus on how they’re viewing the situation and how you can encourage them to take action towards a solution. 

<div>How should you encourage him to take action? The best way is to support him to come up with solutions. Rather than simply telling him what to do. Or expecting him to have all the answers.A good way to do this is by making curious suggestions. For example, “I wonder what it would be like to talk to your partner about some of this stuff", or "What would it be like to start with a small walk in the mornings?"You can also suggest brainstorming solutions together and come up with a few options they can connect with. This support will help them feel more empowered and make it easier for them to decide what feels achievable right now.</div>

Encourage self-help and focus on solutions

Before jumping in with solutions, reflect on what they’ve shared and then ask what feels manageable. And it's OK to not have all the answers. As a start, try to encourage them to take care of themselves and their basic needs.

Emotional vs practical support tips

Learn how to give him encouragement

<div>Nice work! Let’s re-cap on encouraging self-help and solutions:<ul><li>Support him to come up with solutions rather than telling him what to do</li><li>Don’t expect him to have all the answers</li><li>Suggest brainstorming actions or next steps together. A great way to do this, is by making curious suggestions.</li></ul></div>

<div>How do you know when it's time to encourage him to make some changes? First up, make sure you've already asked open questions, listened, and validated his experience. Don't try to encourage him to make changes until you're sure that he's been heard and understood.After that, you can start listening out for 'problem talk' and 'change talk'. Problem talk is when he's still talking about the issues he's having. And the reasons why things can’t or won’t change. You might hear "Yeah but, that won't work because…" or, "Why bother, this is just the way it's going to be."Change talk is when he’s started talking about making a change. Hearing change talk from him lets you know that he's open to talking about possible solutions, e.g. "It would probably be better if…".</div>

Recognize Problem-Talk & Change-Talk

Nice one! Once they start making suggestions about what they could do to improve or change the situation, you know it's time to encourage them. 

Try again. If it seems like they're making excuses and are unwilling to consider possible solutions, they're still in Problem-Talk mode.

If they're still talking about problems and not solutions, that’s OK. They may need you to keep listening, showing empathy and compassion. If they haven't been validated, then they won't be ready for change.

Talk tips

Learn when to give him encouragement

<div>Nice work! Let’s re-cap on when to encourage action:<ul><li>Make sure you’ve asked open questions, listened, and validated his experience</li><li>Don't try to encourage him to make changes until he's been heard and understood</li><li>Listen out for problem-talk and change-talk</li><li>If he offers or considers a solution that's your cue to encourage him.</li></ul></div>

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Test - Put yourself in their shoes with empathy

<div><ul><li>Ask them about what you've observed lately, e.g. about their behavior or events that have happened to open the conversation.</li><li>Demonstrate empathy.</li><li>Use gentle, empathetic language to frame your questions.</li><li>Validate how he's feeling by repeating back what he's said and reflecting on what that would be like. </li></ul></div>

Sam and I had another huge fight. It's the third this week. Nothing I say or do is right! 

Everyone expects more and more from me. If it's not Sam, it's work. They just pile on more and more crap for me to do. And then Sam's telling me to stop drinking and to spend more time at home. How else do I actually decompress? 

My work is full on too. Have you talked to your boss?

<div>Empathy is about putting yourself in the other person's shoes and understanding what they've experienced and how that would make them feel. Sympathy on the other hand, usually involves judgment and can be seen as having pity.Empathy is shown through validating statements. Validating what a man's going through will demonstrate your compassion and care. Reflect back what you've heard, how this would make him feel and ask if you've got it right.</div>

Put yourself in their shoes with empathy

Ask open-ended questions to give the person a chance to share more information, e.g. "I've noticed you seemed pretty flat lately ...has anything been on your mind?"

Empathizing tips

Test - Multi choice exercises animations

Nice one. Asking observational questions can help uncover what’s really going on for a man who might be struggling.

Nice one! Keeping up regular contact shows that you're here for them. Locking in a specific day and time to check-in is also an important step. 

Try again. Keep the check-in's regular and reach out if it's been a while. Try to lock in a specific day and time to check in with them. 

<div>Checking in is an important step after a conversation - one that’s often neglected. So, here’s how to make sure it isn’t skipped.Send a follow-up text message the same day after a chat. It’s a simple way of showing that you care and the conversation isn't finished. It makes checking in later even easier. If you’ve chatted about possible solutions or changes, use this as an opportunity to check in. Ask if they've made any progress or need your help.Lock in set dates or time to connect. It's never too early or too late to check in. But, the sooner after a conversation, the better. Most importantly: don't avoid it altogether.</div>

Understanding the right time and way to check in

It's important to keep checking in and letting him know you're there, even if he's not very engaged. Life gets busy, so pop some reminders in your phone to give you that nudge!

Check in tips

Nice one! It's important to get specific when checking in. Always follow up on what you chatted about last time.

Try again. Try to be specific when checking in. Follow up on what you talked  about last time.

<div>Here’s the thing with checking in: you’ll never make things worse by doing it. Regularly reaching out to men in your life shows them that they're not alone. It also shows that you mean what you say - you're here to support them.One of the most important things you can do is ask about what you'd specifically discussed last time. Get straight to it rather than skirting around it. If you don't check in on what you chatted about last time (even if it was difficult) it’ll show that the relationship isn't a safe space to talk about these things and that you’re not a place of true support. It’ll likely shut the man down from sharing again too. Ask how they are, what’s the latest on their situation, what they need and how you can support them. Always go back to listening if other steps you've tried aren't working.</div>

Working out the right things to say when checking in

<div>Be patient and accept that things may not have gotten better. They may even be worse. Avoid judging them or getting frustrated if they’re not taking action. If you think they're avoiding accepting your help, it's OK to ask about what might be getting in the way.Remember: this is a vulnerable conversation for both the man and you. Make sure you take some time to prepare and look after yourself too.</div>

Learn how to check-in

Well Done! Here are some things to remember about checking-in

<div>Nice work! Let's re-cap on when and how to check-in:<ul><li>It's never too early or too late to check in, but the sooner after a conversation the better</li><li>Lock in set dates or a time to connect</li><li>Plan a check-in that feels right for the situation. Send a follow up text on the day. Organise a catch up if it’s been a while.</li><li>Get straight to what you specifically discussed last time.</li><li>Ask how they are, what’s the latest on their situation, what they need and how you can support them.</li><li>Always go back to listening if other steps you've tried aren't working.</li><li>Avoid judging them or getting frustrated if they’re not taking action.</li></ul></div>

Nice one. Using soft language helps open up the conversation. It also reduces the risk of the person getting defensive and shutting down.

Try to avoid harsh language and absolute statements like ‘never’ and ‘always’. They can shut the conversation down instead of opening it up.

I noticed you've been spending more time alone. Are you okay?

How are you feeling this week? We haven’t talked in awhile.

I saw your car has a broken windshield, is everything alright?

<div>For many men, answering openly and honestly doesn't come naturally. Guys will often shy away from expressing feelings and being honest when life isn't going so well for them. It’s much easier to talk about what you've observed such as behaviour that is out of character, to get a sense of how a man is going. Try asking a few observational questions to promote a healthy conversation.</div>

Talk about what you notice

Try to ask open questions about what you've observed to encourage them to share more than just

Observational Question Tips

 Well done! Soft, gentle language helps to lower defences and allows a man to feel more comfortable being open.

Almost! Remember to soften language so it is gentle and non-critical.

It's not just what you ask, but how you ask it. Aim for a gentle approach that is inquisitive and considerate. This will help put the person at ease and encourage them to open up. Set the tone by using sincere, curious and non-judgmental language. This will help you to respect his boundaries and he's less likely to feel defensive or attacked.

Make sure you’re using soft language

View Tips

Hey man, I’ve been working way too many hours lately. Sorry I’ve been a bad friend.

I get it. I’ve got a lot of stuff going on at my work as well. Want to talk about it?

Sounds like you’re spending a lot of time at work. I’m sure you’re feeling stressed. Want to talk?

What’s empathy exactly? It’s basically just trying to understand another person's world. Also, what they've experienced and how that would make them feel. Empathy is also shown through validating statements. Validating what a man’s going through will build trust. This will help him to feel more comfortable to open up and share what he's feeling.

Learn what to say first and how

Bravo! Here's a re-cap of ‘What do I say first?:’

<ul><li>Ask them about what you've observed lately, e.g. about their behavior or events that have happened to open the conversation.</li><li>Demonstrate empathy.</li><li>Use gentle, empathetic language to frame your questions.</li><li>Validate how he's feeling by repeating back what he's said and reflecting on what that would be like.</li></ul>

Sorry buddy, but I can't come tonight. I'm broke again. Lost a few too many bets last night. And maybe the night before. 

I'm disappointed bud. I was looking forward to having a beer with you.

That sounds rough, man. Why do you think you keep going back to it?

Remind me to never get betting advice from you.

<div>Try keeping an open mind when he’s talking. You want to try and understand things from his point of view. Without making any of your own judgements. And without forcing your views, values, or beliefs onto his experience.We all see the world through a lens that is shaped by our own values and experiences. But keeping an open mind in conversations will help the man feel heard and understood. It’ll also avoid them feeling criticized or judged.</div>

Keep an open mind

Give yourself a few moments to respond. You may disagree with what you've heard. But consider it from his point of view with curiosity and empathy.

Keeping an open mind

Learn how to listen with an open mind 

Continue to the ‘Encourage Action’ skill

<ul><li>Try to understand things from his point of view</li><li>Stay away from making judgments or forcing your views or beliefs onto him</li><li>Take your time to respond with curiosity and empathy</li></ul>

Learn how to ease check-in nerves

Try out your new skills in a practice conversation

<ul><li>Think about your previous conversations. How could further support him? What could you encourage him to do?</li><li>Take a few deep breaths before you start the conversation. Try to relax. Focus on your goal - to help your mate.</li><li>Don’t put pressure on yourself to do it perfectly. A simple check-in will do.</li><li>Use the other ALEC steps as a guide: Ask, Listen and Encourage Action.</li></ul>

Focus on how they’re viewing the situation and how you can encourage them to take action towards a solution. 

Emotional vs practical support

Learn how to encourage action

Let’s recap on encouraging self-help and solutions:

<ul><li>Support him to come up with solutions rather than telling him what to do.</li><li>Don’t expect him to have all the answers.</li><li>Suggest brainstorming actions or next steps together. A great way to do this is to be open and non-judgemental to ideas that come up.</li></ul>

<div>How do you know when it's time to encourage him to make some changes? First up, make sure you've already asked open questions, listened, and validated his experience. Don't try to encourage him to make changes until you're sure that he's been heard and understood. After that, you can start listening out for 'problem talk' and 'change talk'. Problem talk is when he's still talking about the issues he's having. And the reasons why things can’t or won’t change. You might hear "Yeah but, that won't work because…" or, "Why bother, this is just the way it's going to be."Change talk is when he’s started talking about making a change. Hearing change talk from him lets you know that he's open to talking about possible solutions, e.g. "It would probably be better if…".</div>

Once they start making suggestions about what they could do to improve or change the situation, you know it's time to encourage them. 

If it seems like they're making excuses and are unwilling to consider possible solutions, they're still in Problem-Talk mode.

Problem-Talk & Change-Talk

Learn when to encourage action

Let’s recap on when to encourage action:

Keep learning about the ‘Encouraging Action’ skill

<ul><li>Make sure you’ve asked open questions, listened, and validated his experience</li><li>Don't try to encourage him to make changes until he's been heard and understood</li><li>Listen out for problem-talk and change-talk</li><li>If he offers or considers a solution that's your cue to encourage him</li></ul>

Ready for some practice?

Pick a topic and we’ll guide you through how to start the conversation with confidence and keep it moving in a healthy, non-judgmental direction.