<div>Commencez par être à l’affût en demandant comment il se sent.« Comment ça se passe à la maison? »« Tu n’as pas l’air d’être toi-même ces derniers temps… Tu te sens bien? »« J’ai remarqué que tu n’avais pas l’air dans ton assiette ces temps-ci... Est-ce que ça va? »Poser les bonnes questions au bon moment est essentiel pour aider une personne à s’ouvrir.Si un homme de votre entourage vous semble en difficulté, stressé, malheureux ou en colère, POSEZ-LUI QUELQUES QUESTIONS pour lui montrer que vous vous souciez de lui.Vous voulez aider un homme à exprimer ses sentiments?Essayez cette question : « Cette semaine est éprouvante pour moi, et toi, comment ça va? »Ou encore, essayez de lui parler de ce qui l’intéresse pour avoir un indice de son état :« Comment va le boulot ces jours-ci? » « Comment vont les choses avec ton/ta partenaire, ton fils, ta fille...? »Déterminer le contexte appropriéIl est important de trouver le bon moment et le bon endroit pour avoir des conversations délicates. Il est plus difficile de se concentrer autour de l’heure du repas ou lorsqu’il y a beaucoup de bruit en arrière-plan, par exemple. Essayez de trouver un endroit privé, calme et approprié pour l’aider à se sentir à l’aise et ouvert à l’échange. N’attendez pas que tout soit parfait. Même si vous ne pouvez pas vous rencontrer en personne, vous pouvez lui parler comme si vous étiez assis ensemble et être pleinement présent dans votre échange.Poser des questions ouvertesLes questions ouvertes sont un excellent moyen de générer des conversations constructives, d’entretenir le dialogue et de montrer que vous vous souciez vraiment de l’autre. Les questions ouvertes sont des questions auxquelles il faut répondre autrement que par un seul mot. Les questions ouvertes donnent à l’autre personne la possibilité de développer davantage.Les questions ouvertes peuvent ressembler à celles-ci : « Comment te sens-tu aujourd’hui? » ou « À quoi penses-tu ces temps-ci? »Les questions fermées comme « Te sens-tu en colère? » entraînent généralement des réponses en un mot, comme « oui » ou « non ».Le fait de poser des questions ouvertes demande une attention particulière, une précision et un intérêt sincère.Ouvrir la porte aux conversations honnêtesLes conversations authentiques vont au-delà des sujets comme le travail, le sport ou ce que vous regardez sur Netflix. Le fait de démontrer sa capacité à être honnête, ouvert et vulnérable est une excellente façon d’aider une personne à s’ouvrir. Partager ses propres difficultés évite la stigmatisation des problèmes et permet de progresser vers une relation plus solide et plus riche.Si vous pensez que quelqu’un éprouve des problèmes de santé mentale, n’ayez pas peur de lui demander ce que vous pouvez faire pour mieux lui apporter votre soutien. Cela ne peut pas aggraver la situation.</div>

Être à l’affût

<div>Faites-lui savoir que vous restez à l’écoute et accordez-lui toute votre attention.Écouter, c’est plus que simplement entendre quelqu’un. Être à l’écoute nécessite de se concentrer. Tout le monde a besoin d’une écoute attentive de la part de quelqu’un en qui il peut avoir confiance, et de sentir qu’il est entendu et compris lorsqu’il s’exprime. Écoutez pour comprendre plutôt que d’écouter pour répondre.Se faire l’écho de l’autreParfois, les gens ont simplement besoin de se sentir plus légers. Pour bien écouter, il faut d’abord savoir fournir un son de cloche différent ou la possibilité d’échanger des idées. Il faut donc éviter de formuler des hypothèses, d’émettre un jugement ou de fournir des réponses pendant que la personne se confie à vous.Poser des questions de clarificationSi vous avez besoin de clarifier quelque chose, n’hésitez pas à poser d’autres questions pour obtenir des précisions.Aidez-le à exprimer ses sentiments. « J’imagine que tu dois être très contrarié en ce moment? »Montrez-lui que sa réaction est normale. « Je comprends que tu te sentes ainsi… » ou « La plupart des gens dans cette situation se sentiraient comme toi en ce moment. »Évitez de rejeter ses pensées ou ses sentiments, notamment en lui disant : « Ça ne vaut pas la peine d’être en colère! » ou « Pourquoi te mets-tu en colère pour cela? »Voici quelques suggestions d’amorces de questions :<ul><li>Que veux-tu dire par...?</li><li>Peux-tu m’en dire un peu plus sur...?</li><li>Peux-tu me donner un exemple de…?</li><li>Comment as-tu vécu cela?</li><li>Es-tu en train de dire que...?</li><li>Te sens-tu...?</li><li>Veux-tu dire que...?</li></ul>Conseils en or pour une bonne écoute<ul><li>Concentrez-vous sur son langage corporel et son élocution (ton, débit et volume de la voix). Semble-t-il ouvert? Anxieux? Les deux? Élève-t-il la voix et semble-t-il agité ou irritable? Écoutez-le au-delà des mots. Cela vous guidera sur la façon d’approfondir la conversation et pourrait vous fournir des indices essentiels. Vous regarde-t-il dans les yeux? Est-il tourné vers vous ou dans une autre direction? De par son attitude, vous semble-t-il mal à l’aise?</li><li>Accordez-lui toute votre attention. Rangez votre téléphone, éteignez la télévision et choisissez un endroit avec peu ou pas de distraction. Vous ferez ainsi preuve de respect et montrerez que vous faites de cette conversation une priorité.</li><li>Prenez au sérieux ce qu’il vous dit. Si un homme dit qu’il se sent « stressé » ou « déprimé », acceptez-le.</li><li>N’essayez pas de lui expliquer pourquoi il ne devrait pas ressentir exactement ce qu’il ressent. Cela ne l’aidera pas.</li><li>Écoutez-le et offrez-lui du soutien. Dites-lui qu’il n’a pas besoin de traverser seul cette épreuve et que vous êtes là pour lui.</li><li>Revenez sur ce qu’il a dit : « On dirait que… Je comprends que… J’ai l’impression que… Tu as vraiment l’air fâché contre… »</li><li>Résumez la situation : « C’est comme si tu avais l’impression que la décision était injuste… » ou « J’ai l’impression que tu es assez frustré et que tu aurais aimé conserver ton emploi… » Formulez des énoncés de validation, comme : « Je vois bien que cela t’inquiète vraiment. » La validation démontre que vous entendez l’autre, que vous faites preuve d’empathie à son égard et que vous prenez ses pensées et ses sentiments en considération.</li><li>Évitez de l’interrompre ou de précipiter la conversation.</li><li>Laissez place au silence, même s’il peut parfois sembler gênant.</li><li>Acceptez et prenez en considération les réactions émotionnelles.</li><li>Soyez patient… Certaines personnes ont besoin de temps ou d’espace avant d’accepter de l’aide. Vous pouvez lui dire en toute honnêteté que vous êtes inquiet et que vous êtes là pour lui. Si l’homme n’est pas prêt à parler, vous pourrez reprendre de ses nouvelles à un autre moment.</li><li>L’objectif principal est de s’assurer que l’homme sait qu’on se soucie de lui et qu’il peut demander du soutien s’il se sent abattu, notamment.</li></ul></div>

Rester à l’écoute 

<div>Incitez-le à se concentrer sur des choses simples qui pourraient améliorer son bien-être.Il faut encourager les hommes à agir selon leur besoin et à prendre soin d’eux. Cela vaut aussi bien pour la santé physique que pour la santé mentale.Bien manger et demeurer actifPrendre soin de son corps est essentiel pour se sentir bien. Lorsque nous ne faisons pas de notre santé physique une priorité, cela peut avoir des répercussions sur tous les aspects de notre vie, notamment sur notre humeur et notre santé mentale. Encourager ou aider une personne à mieux prendre soin d’elle-même peut l’aider à améliorer son bien-être.Vous pourriez lui faire les suggestions suivantes :<ul><li>Faire une promenade ou courir en plein air.</li><li>Faire une série d’exercices simples et amusants (il y a même des options offertes en ligne).</li><li>Profiter d’un sommeil réparateur et en quantité suffisante.</li><li>Manger sainement et boire beaucoup d’eau.</li><li>Réduire sa consommation d’alcool et de drogues.</li></ul>Dites-lui que vous pouvez l’aider, que vous êtes là pour lui et que vous serez ravi de faire une séance d’entraînement ou une promenade avec lui.Si ces suggestions ne l’intéressent pas, encouragez la résolution de problèmes (en essayant de faire les choses différemment). Gardez en tête qu’il n’y a aucune solution miracle qui fonctionne pour tout le monde, mais que le fait d’essayer différentes approches de changement peut aider un homme à découvrir ce qui fonctionne pour lui.Demander de l’aide au besoinIl n’y a pas de honte à demander de l’aide. Nous avons tous besoin d’un coup de pouce de temps à autre. En ces temps difficiles, il est important de se soutenir les uns les autres.Toutefois, même si vous souhaitez apporter votre soutien à quelqu’un, ne placez pas tout le poids sur vos épaules. Le moment est venu de faire appeler à un réseau de soutien élargi, notamment :<ul><li>La famille et les amis</li><li>Des psychologues ou des thérapeutes</li><li>Votre médecin de famille</li></ul>Si la personne que vous voulez soutenir ne veut pas d’aide directe, il existe d’autres options :Lignes d’aide – pour communiquer avec des professionnels qualifiés, vous pouvez généralement envoyer un message texte, un courrier électronique ou utiliser le clavardage en ligne.Sites Web – en particulier pour les hommes isolés socialement ou qui ne se sentent pas à l’aise de parler au téléphone.Vous avez vous-même besoin d’aide? Vous ne pouvez pas aider quelqu’un, ni vous-même d’ailleurs, si vous n’en avez pas l’énergie. Suivez les mêmes conseils décrits ci-dessus et exercez-vous à prendre soin de vous-même. Si vous commencez à sentir que vous avez besoin de plus de soutien, demandez de l’aide.</div>

Inciter à l’action

<div>Continuez la conversation en proposant de faire un suivi à un autre moment.Continuer la conversation est un élément clé de l’approche que nous proposons. Cela envoie un message clair à la personne que vous vous souciez d’elle et que vous pensez sincèrement à elle.En période difficile, le simple fait de tendre la main peut donner de l’espoir à quelqu’un et lui rappeler la force de son réseau de soutien.Établir la confianceL’établissement d’une relation et le maintien de la confiance peuvent représenter un processus lent. Il est important de rester authentique, honnête, cohérent et de toujours maintenir la confidentialité. Faites un suivi si vous dites que vous allez faire un suivi. Une communication claire est importante, surtout si vous devez modifier vos plans.Planifier un suiviUne conversation régulière est essentielle pour assurer la longévité de la relation. Après avoir été à l’affût, être resté à l’écoute et l’avoir incité à l’action, organisez toujours un moment pour continuer la conversation et en assurer le suivi.Vous pouvez lui envoyer un message texte, l’appeler ou le rencontrer.Le fait de poser des questions peut être utile pour entamer une conversation : « Comment t’es-tu senti depuis notre dernière conversation? » ou « Comment est ton sommeil/humeur depuis qu’on s’est parlé? » ou encore « Comment te sens-tu depuis la semaine dernière? »Renseignez-vous pour savoir s’il a demandé l’aide d’un professionnel ou s’il y a réfléchi (si c’est quelque chose qu’il a dit qu’il ferait). Vous pourriez demander : « Comment as-tu pris contact avec... ».Surtout, demeurez accessibles pour les hommes de votre entourage.Si nous adoptons des comportements sains lorsqu’il s’agit de prendre soin de notre propre santé mentale, nous encourageons et donnons les moyens aux hommes qui comptent pour nous d’être proactifs dans la gestion de leur propre bien-être.</div>

Continuer la conversation

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You’ve been quiet in the group chat. What’ve you been up to? 

<div>For some men, opening up doesn't come naturally. Guys will often shy away from expressing feelings. Admitting that they're having problems can also be hard. So, sometimes it's easier to talk about what you've noticed. This might be behavior that’s out of character. Try asking a few questions about what you've observed to start a conversation and get a better idea of how a man’s going.</div>

Talk about what you've noticed 

Ask open-ended questions to give the person a chance to share more info. For example: "I've noticed you've seemed pretty flat lately...anything on your mind?" versus a closed question like “Are you OK?” which can be answered with a one-word reply.

Observational Question

Non-judgmental, gentle language helps to lower defences and allows a man to feel more comfortable being open.

Remember to go for non-judgmental language that’s considerate and non-critical.

<div>It's not just what you ask. But how you ask it. Aim to be gentle, patient, and kind. It’ll help put the man at ease and encourage him to open up. Set the tone by using sincere, curious, and non-judgmental language. This will help in respecting his boundaries, and he's less likely to feel defensive or attacked.</div>

Make sure your words don’t point fingers

Go for "I" instead of "You" statements or questions. This minimizes the feeling of fingers being pointed and helps lower defences. Being curious beats making assumptions too. So try starting sentences with “It sounds like” and ending with "... is that right?")

Non-judgmental Language

Hey, sorry I missed the game. There's so much going on with the separation. It's such a nightmare.

No problem. What's the latest? Let's grab a beer so you can tell me more.

Sounds like it's been hectic and really stressful, is that right?

<div>Empathy is about putting yourself in the other person's shoes. It’s about understanding their feelings and experiences from their perspective. Sympathy on the other hand, usually involves judgment and can be seen as pity.Showing empathy will help him feel heard and understood; it will show him that what he's experiencing is important and valid, and will encourage him to open up further. Empathy also builds connection.A simple way for a man to know that you're empathetic and care, is to validate what they’ve said. To do this, be a mirror: reflect back what you've heard, then add how you think this may affect him.</div>

Put yourself in their shoes with empathy

Show empathy by asking him if what you've heard is right. Then reflect back how this seems to be making him feel. Remember to validate.

Empathizing

Learn what to say first and how

Now let’s recap on what to say first and how:

<ul><li>Ask open-ended questions: avoid questions with simple “yes” or “no” answers.</li><li>Make observations: talk about what you've noticed.</li><li>Go for non-judgemental language: aim for a gentle, curious approach.</li><li>Show empathy: put yourself in their shoes, validate their experience.</li></ul>

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<div>How do you know when it's time to encourage him to make some changes? First up, make sure you've already asked open questions, listened, and validated his experience. Don't try to encourage him to make changes until you're sure that he's been heard and understood. After that, you can start listening out for 'problem talk' and 'change talk'. Problem talk is when he's still talking about the issues he's having. And the reasons why things can’t or won’t change. You might hear "Yeah but, that won't work because…" or, "Why bother, this is just the way it's going to be."Change talk is when he’s started talking about making a change. Hearing change talk from him lets you know that he's open to talking about possible solutions, e.g. "It would probably be better if…".</div>

Recognize Problem-Talk & Change-Talk

Once they start making suggestions about what they could do to improve or change the situation, you know it's time to encourage them. 

If it seems like they're making excuses and are unwilling to consider possible solutions, they're still in Problem-Talk mode.

If they're still talking about problems and not solutions, that’s OK. They may need you to keep listening, showing empathy and compassion. If they haven't been validated, then they won't be ready for change.

Problem-Talk & Change-Talk

Learn when to encourage action

Let’s recap on when to encourage action:

Keep learning about the ‘Encouraging Action’ skill

<ul><li>Make sure you’ve asked open questions, listened, and validated his experience</li><li>Don't try to encourage him to make changes until he's been heard and understood</li><li>Listen out for problem-talk and change-talk</li><li>If he offers or considers a solution that's your cue to encourage him</li></ul>

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Sam and I had another huge fight. It's the third this week. Nothing I say or do is right!

Everyone expects more and more from me. If it's not Sam, it's work. They just pile on more and more crap for me to do. Then Sam's telling me to stop drinking and to spend more time at home. When do I get to relax? 

My work is piling up too. Have you talked to your boss?

It sounds like you're feeling pressure from both work and Sam, so there's no give. Is that right?

Suck it up and let me get you another drink.

<div>It happens. Sometimes we listen without really hearing. It’s more like we’re waiting for our turn to talk or thinking about what we’re going to say next. We can get so caught up on saying the right thing. When we do this though, we can miss out on really hearing and understanding what the other person is saying. It's important that when we're listening, our goal is to understand rather than to respond.</div>

Listen to understand, not respond

Focus on what’s being said and not what you’ll say back. Pause and reflect back what you've heard: "What I'm hearing is...is that right?". Finally, don’t be afraid of some silence.

Listen to understand

Stay completely frozen to show you're paying attention.

Face them front on to show you're intensely listening. 

Nod along occasionally, especially when something big or important is said.

<div>So you’ve gotten him to open up and start talking. Nice one! When you’re listening to him talk, make sure you show you're engaged. This is called active listening. It shows you care and think what he’s saying is important.You can show you're engaged through actions (like nodding) or words (saying 'uh-huh' or 'sure'). And put your phone away to give your undivided attention.When talking to guys there's no need to hold eye contact for a super long time. This can be too intense for some men. Brief eye contact will do. A second here and there. Sitting side-by-side can also help men feel more comfortable. Summing up what they've said shows you've been paying attention.</div>

Show you're engaged and paying attention

Only a small percentage of what we communicate in conversations is through talking. Our facial expressions, posture, eye contact, and tone all show how engaged and focused we are in a conversation. Slouching or stretching, on the other hand, might suggest boredom or indifference.

Show you're engaged

Ask them lots of questions to show your interest

Interrupt them often to say it sounds like a shit show

Use words like 'yep', 'uh-huh' and 'sure' to encourage them to continue talking

What should you say?

Show you’re engaged 

How should you use eye contact?

Learn how to actively listen

Now let's recap on learning how to actively listen:

Continue learning about the 'Listen' skill

<ul><li>Get comfortable with silence: let him talk</li><li>Focus on what’s being said rather than how you’ll respond</li><li>Listen carefully to what he says and reflect back what you've heard</li><li>Show you're engaged through actions (like nodding) or words (such as 'uh-huh' or 'sure')</li><li>Put your phone away to give your full attention</li><li>Go for brief eye contact and try sitting side-by-side for your chats.</li></ul>

Sorry buddy, but I can't come tonight. I'm broke again. Lost a few too many bets last night. And maybe the night before. 

I'm disappointed bud. I was looking forward to having a beer with you.

That sounds rough, man. Why do you think you keep going back to it?

Remind me to never get betting advice from you.

<div>Try keeping an open mind when he’s talking. You want to try and understand things from his point of view. Without making any of your own judgements. And without forcing your views, values, or beliefs onto his experience.We all see the world through a lens that is shaped by our own values and experiences. But keeping an open mind in conversations will help the man feel heard and understood. It’ll also avoid them feeling criticized or judged.</div>

Keep an open mind

Give yourself a few moments to respond. You may disagree with what you've heard. But consider it from his point of view with curiosity and empathy.

Keeping an open mind

Learn how to listen with an open mind 

Continue to the ‘Encourage Action’ skill

<ul><li>Try to understand things from his point of view</li><li>Stay away from making judgments or forcing your views or beliefs onto him</li><li>Take your time to respond with curiosity and empathy</li></ul>

Awesome work. You found the best, curious response for each situation and focused on manageable solutions.

Focus on how they’re viewing the situation and how you can encourage them to take action towards a solution. 

<div>How should you encourage him to take action? The best way is to support him to come up with solutions. Rather than simply telling him what to do. Or expecting him to have all the answers.A good way to do this is by making curious suggestions. For example, “I wonder what it would be like to talk to your partner about some of this stuff", or "What would it be like to start with a small walk in the mornings?"You can also suggest brainstorming solutions together and come up with a few options they can connect with. This support will help them feel more empowered and make it easier for them to decide what feels achievable right now.</div>

Encourage self-help and focus on solutions

Before jumping in with solutions, reflect on what they’ve shared and then ask what feels manageable. And it's OK to not have all the answers. As a start, try to encourage them to take care of themselves and their basic needs.

Emotional vs practical support

Learn how to encourage action

Let’s recap on encouraging self-help and solutions:

<ul><li>Support him to come up with solutions rather than telling him what to do.</li><li>Don’t expect him to have all the answers.</li><li>Suggest brainstorming actions or next steps together. A great way to do this is to be open and non-judgemental to ideas that come up.</li></ul>

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It's important to get specific when checking in. Always follow up on what you chatted about last time.

Try to be specific when checking in. Follow up on what you talked about last time.

<div>Here’s the thing with checking in: you’ll never make things worse by doing it. Regularly reaching out to men in your life shows them that they're not alone. It also shows that you mean what you say - you're here to support them.One of the most important things you can do is ask about what you'd specifically discussed last time. Get straight to it rather than skirting around it. Ask how they are, what’s the latest on their situation, what they need and how you can support them. Always go back to listening if other steps you've tried aren't working.</div>

Working out the right things to say when checking in

<div>Be patient and accept that things may not have gotten better. They may even be worse. Avoid judging them or getting frustrated if they’re not taking action. If you think they're avoiding accepting your help, it's OK to ask about what might be getting in the way.Remember: this is a vulnerable conversation for both the man and you. Make sure you take some time to prepare and look after yourself too.</div>

Check in

Keeping up regular contact shows that you're here for them. Locking in a specific day and time to check-in is also an important step. Beer and burger chats work too. 

Think about which check in approach fits best. Send a follow up text on the day. Lock in a catch up if it’s been a while. Make a plan if they live far away. Book in that burger and beer.

<div>Checking in is an important step after a conversation - one that’s often neglected. So, here’s how to make sure it isn’t skipped.Send a follow-up text message the same day after a chat. It’s a simple way of showing that you care and the conversation isn't finished. If you’ve chatted about possible solutions or changes, ask if they've made any progress or need your help.Lock in set dates or time to connect. It's never too early or too late to check in. But, the sooner after a conversation, the better. Most importantly: don't avoid it altogether.</div>

Understanding the right time and way to check in

It's important to keep checking in and let him know you're there. Life gets busy, so pop some reminders in your phone to give yourself a nudge!

Check in tips

Learn how to check in

Continue learning about the ‘Check in’ skill

<ul><li>Get straight to what you specifically discussed last time.</li><li>Ask how they are, what’s the latest on their situation, what they need and how you can support them.</li><li>Always go back to listening if other steps you've tried aren't working.</li><li>Avoid judging them or getting frustrated if they’re not taking action.</li><li>It's never too early or too late to check in, but the sooner after a conversation the better.</li><li>Lock in set dates or a time to connect.</li><li>Plan a check-in that feels right for the situation. Send a follow up text on the day. Organize a catch up if it’s been a while.</li></ul>

To make me look like a better friend than the others

To create a safe space and show that I'm here to support him

<div>Think about your previous conversations. How could you further support him? Or what you could encourage him to do? Use the other ALEC steps as a guide: Ask, Listen and Encourage action.Take a few deep breaths before the conversation. Try to relax. Focus on your goal - to help your mate. Remind yourself you're doing this because you care.These can be challenging, vulnerable conversations. So, think about what you need as well. Have someone in mind that you can reach out to after your conversation so that you're supported, too.</div>

Easing into a check in conversation

You might put pressure on yourself to do it perfectly. But there’s no need for that. A simple check-in will do the trick. The best way to help him, is to show your concern and that you're there to support him.

Feeling worried about checking in?

Ask other people if he's OK before I check-in

What can you do to prepare for the check-in if you're nervous?

I know this is tough, I'm here for you though. 

How’s everything going with what we talked about last time? 

What's a great way to open up the check-in conversation?

Learn how to ease check in nerves

Try out your new skills in a practice conversation

<ul><li>Think about your previous conversations. How could further support him? What could you encourage him to do?</li><li>Take a few deep breaths before you start the conversation. Try to relax. Focus on your goal - to help your mate.</li><li>Don’t put pressure on yourself to do it perfectly. A simple check-in will do.</li><li>Use the other ALEC steps as a guide: Ask, Listen and Encourage Action.</li></ul>

Ready for some practice?

Pick a topic and we’ll guide you through how to start the conversation with confidence and keep it moving in a healthy, non-judgmental direction.