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How to set healthy boundaries in your relationships

Think about what you want to say before you say it

Setting boundaries with a spouse or partner

Setting boundaries is an important part of navigating relationships and protecting your well-being.

How to set and maintain healthy boundaries

Tips for talking about relationship problems with your partner

Don’t expect one conversation to fix everything

Reaffirm what’s good about your partner – and your relationship.

Seems like it's really getting to you. Have you talked to anyone else about all this?

Relationships take work. Here are the signs of relationship problems and how to talk about them with your partner.

How to talk about relationship problems with your partner

Dive in and explore how you might talk to a man who is withdrawn and obsessing.

Support a man who is withdrawn and obsessing 

He’s withdrawn and obsessing testing

It’s almost midday. Time to get out of bed and get on the beers! and test

Just hardly any reason to get out of bed these days.

I keep watching the news. The world’s so messed up.

Sleep, drink, doomscroll, repeat. Man, I've been thinking about things a lot.

My studies don't seem to make a lot of sense anymore. Who knows what's coming next!?

<ul><li>Ask observational questions.</li><li>Listen without judgement or solutions.</li><li>Encourage action such as seeking professional help.</li><li>Check in based on genuine care.</li></ul>

Watch out for friends that may be misusing drugs or alcohol. Watch for men who may be withdrawing from social contact or displaying escalating, obsessive, angry or irritable behaviour. Listen and connect from a place of friendship and care.

I need to practice having the conversation with him

We recommend starting here

Talking about mental health: 3 things to remember

There may be a reason they have their guard up. 

Signs your friend may have their guard up

8 tips for talking about mental health when someone is guarded

Remember, progress may not be linear. That’s ok. 

Helping someone open up about their mental health can be difficult. Know how you can support someone who has their guard up.  

Helping a friend open up about mental health struggles can be tough. Know how to support someone who has their guard up.

How to talk to someone about mental health if they have their guard up

I need help getting him to consider therapy

Watch our 5-part video series:

<div>Start by asking how they are feeling.“How are things at home?”“You haven’t seemed yourself lately… are you feeling OK?”‘I’ve noticed you’ve seemed pretty flat lately...you OK?’Asking the right questions at the right time is key to helping someone open up.If you think a man is struggling, stressed, unhappy or angry, ASK a few questions to show that you care.Want to help a guy talk about how he’s feeling?Try: “This week’s been brutal for me, how’ve you been holding up?”Or, try talking about things he cares about to get a sense of how he’s going:“How’s work these days?”, “How are things with your partner/son/daughter going?”Consider if it’s appropriateIt's important to find the right time and place to have sensitive conversations. It could be hard to focus if it’s dinner time or there’s a lot of noise in the background, for example. Try and find somewhere private, calm, and appropriate to help him feel at ease and open to sharing. Don’t get hung up on everything being perfect. Even if you can’t be face to face, you can talk to him as if you’re sitting side-by-side and putting yourself out there with what and how you share.Use open-ended questionsOpen-ended questions are a great way to stimulate meaningful conversations, to keep it flowing and to show that you genuinely care. Open-ended questions are questions that need more than a single word answer. Open-ended questions give the other person a chance to share more information.Open questions sound like: ‘How are you feeling today?’ or “What’s been on your mind lately?”Closed questions like “Do you feel angry?” tend to lead to one-word answers, like ‘yes’ or ‘no’.Asking open-ended questions requires you to pay close attention, to be specific and enquire from a place of genuine care.Model honest conversationsReal conversations go beyond subjects like work, sport or what you’re watching on Netflix. Demonstrating your own ability to be honest, open, and vulnerable is a great way to help someone open up. Sharing your own struggles helps to destigmatise issues while making strides towards developing a closer, more meaningful relationship.If you think someone is struggling with their mental health don’t be afraid to ask them if there’s anything you can do to better support them – this will not make things worse.</div>

<div>Let them know you're listening and give them your full attention.Listening is more than just hearing someone. Being a good listener requires focus. Everyone needs the ear of someone they can trust, and to feel like they’re being heard and understood when they speak. Listen to understand rather than listening to respond. Be a sounding boardSometimes, people just need to get things off their chest. Good listening starts with providing a sounding board, or a place to bounce ideas off. This means avoiding assumptions, judgment, and the temptation to provide answers while they vent to you.Use clarifying questionsIf you need to better understand something they’ve said, it’s OK to ask more questions for clarification.Help them talk about how they’re feeling. ‘I imagine you’re feeling pretty upset right now?’Normalize their reaction ‘It’s understandable that you’re feeling this way’. ‘I think most people in this situation would feel the same way as you are right now’.Avoid dismissing their thoughts or feelings (e.g. avoid saying, ‘that’s not worth getting angry about’ or ‘why would you get angry about that?’)You can use questions like:<ul><li>What do you mean by...</li><li>Can you tell me a bit more about...</li><li>Can you give me an example of…</li><li>What was that like for you?</li><li>Are you saying...</li><li>Do you feel...</li><li>Do you mean...</li></ul>Golden tips for good listening<ul><li>Focus on their body language and speech (tone, rate and volume). Do they seem open? Anxious? Both? Are they raising their voice and appearing agitated/irritable? Listen to what they’re saying beyond their words. It’ll guide you on how to move forward and could provide some vital clues. Are they making eye contact? Are they turned towards you or away? Do they seem physically uncomfortable? </li><li>Give your full attention. Put down your phone, turn off the TV and choose a place with no distractions or as few as possible. It shows respect and that you’ve made this a priority.</li><li>Take what’s being said seriously. If a man says he’s ‘stressed’ or ‘feeling low’, accept it.</li><li>Don’t attempt to provide reasons why he shouldn’t feel exactly how he feels. This is not helpful.</li><li>Listen and offer support. Let them know they don’t have to go through this alone and that you’re there for them.</li><li>Reflect back what the man has said -‘it seems that/it sounds like/I get the impression that…’‘It sounds like he really upset you’.</li><li>Summarise the situation ‘it seems as though you felt that decision was unfair...I get the sense that you’re pretty frustrated and would have liked to have kept your job’. Provide validation statements e.g.“I can tell this is really worrying you”. Validation shows that you hear and are empathetic to the issue and acknowledges the man’s thoughts and feelings.</li><li>Avoid interrupting or rushing the conversation.</li><li>Allow for silence even though it might feel awkward at times.</li><li>Accept and acknowledge emotional responses.</li><li>Be patient...some people need time/space before they are ready to accept help. You can be honest about why you are worried and let them know you are there for them. If the man is not ready to talk, you can check in on him again at a later time.</li><li>The main point is to ensure that the man knows that they are cared for and that they can reach out for support whenever they are feeling down etc.</li></ul></div>

Listen

<div>Encourage them to focus on simple things that could improve how they feel.Encourage men to take action when needed. This goes for taking care of their physical health as well as mental health.Eat well and stay activeTaking care of our bodies is key to being well. When we don’t treat our physical health as a priority, it can affect all areas of our lives, especially our mood and mental health. Encouraging or helping someone to take better care of themselves can steer them towards improved wellbeing.You could suggest:<ul><li>Going for a scenic walk or run</li><li>Fun and quick exercises (including online options)</li><li>Getting good-quality sleep and more of it</li><li>Eating healthy foods and drinking plenty of water</li><li>Reducing alcohol and drug use</li></ul>Let him know he doesn’t have to go it alone, that you’re there for them and more than happy to do a workout or go for a walk together.If these suggestions don’t interest him, encourage problem-solving (trying something else). Remember - no one solution works for everyone, but making some serious attempts at change can help a guy learn what works for him.Get help when needed“Help” doesn’t have to be a dirty word. We all need a hand from time to time. In these tough times, it’s important to be there for each other.But remember, as much as you want to lift up someone else, don’t put this all on your shoulders. Now’s the time to call out that wider network of support, including:<ul><li>Family and friends</li><li>Psychologists or therapists</li><li>Your doctor</li></ul>If face to face isn’t his thing, there are other options:Help lines—you can usually text, email or use online chat to reach trained professionalsWebsites (particularly for socially isolated men or men who don’t feel comfortable talking on the phone)Need help for yourself? You can’t fully help someone else, or yourself, if you’re running on empty. Take the same advice above and practice some self-care. If you start feeling like you need more support, reach out.</div>

Encourage Action

<div>Check-in with them after your chat.Checking in is a key part of this process. It sends a clear message to the person that you care and that you’re genuinely in their corner.In difficult times, reaching out can give someone hope and a sense of how powerful their support network is.Develop trustBuilding a relationship and nurturing trust can be a slow process. It's important to be genuine, honest, consistent, and always maintain confidentiality. Follow up when you say you’re going to follow-up. Clear communication is important - especially if your plans need to change.Plan a follow-upOngoing conversation is key to ensuring the enduring value of the connection. Once you’ve asked, listened, and encouraged action, always arrange a time to check in and follow up your chat.You can send a text, make a phone call or catch-up face to face.Asking questions can help to open up a conversation: “How have you been since we last spoke?” or “How has your sleeping/mood been we last spoke?” or ‘How has your mood been since last week?’Ask if they’ve sought professional help or if they’ve given it any thought (if it was something they said they’d do). You could ask, “How did you go getting in contact with….”Also, remain available for the men in your life.If we model healthy behaviours when it comes to taking care of our own mental health, we encourage and empower the men we care about to be proactive in managing their own wellbeing.</div>

Check In

Test 30

Avoid being judgemental. Try to open up the conversation.

Demonstrating that you care by asking how they are can help create an open conversation.

Hey man. That doesn’t sound like you. Is everything ok?

<div>Asking observational questions demonstrates that you’re paying attention.<ul><li>I’ve noticed you’ve seemed pretty down lately. What’s going on?</li><li>Seems like you're not getting out much. Are you OK?</li></ul></div>

You don't seem like yourself. What’s going on?

Avoid jumping to solutions. Ask questions to open up the conversation.

I hear you. But maybe you should try and find a routine.

Joking around is often an easy way to dodge asking questions.

Maybe avoid fueling your friend's dramatic thoughts while they're struggling.

You got that right. It’s a dumpster fire.

Try not to quickly dismiss the conversation. Ask questions to help them open up.

Just switch off the news. Don’t worry about it.

Asking open questions is a great approach.

There’s a lot going on that’s for sure. What are your days looking like?

Try not to jump to solutions. Stick with offering support.

Don’t be dismissive. Your friend needs support.

Dude. Take a break from the questions. You’re so wound up in it.

Encouraging action to reach out to a broader support network is a great first step.

Professional support is a great idea. But don’t prescribe treatment.

Encourage friends to take action and reach out for professional support when they need it.

Yeah. Like a therapist. I think everyone needs support right now.

<div>Listen with an open mind while encouraging action.</div>

No pressure. I find my therapist really helpful but there's plenty of other people you could talk to.

Don't be pushy. This may require a delicate touch.

C'mon. Therapists are great. It'd totally work for you.

Don't let him get away with avoiding action so easily.

That's good to hear. Now go forth and be merry.

Maintaining your privacy is perfectly reasonable. But revealing your own struggles may help your friend open up.

Yeah, I am. There's just some private stuff I like to get off my chest.

Revealing your own struggles may help your friend open up and encourage them to take action themselves.

I’ve definitely had my own struggles recently. They've been really helpful.

Your friend may need this kind of push. But they also might appreciate some practical guidance.

Nah man. They're really helpful. Just book it! Now’s the time.

Encouraging action and offering practical guidance in finding professional help can make a big difference.

Nah, they're really great. I think you’d like them. I could give you the number if you'd like?

Don’t mother him. Be kind and set up a check-in.

You’re not the oracle of knowledge. Be kind, patient and set up a check-in.

Check in and offer ongoing support so he can be reassured that he’s not alone and can rely on your support and encouragement.

Let’s have a video call tomorrow. It'd be great to see you.

Jump in and find out how to talk to a man who is juggling work and family. 

Support a man who is juggling work and family

He's Juggling Work & Family

You hear this from a friend who's struggling juggling work & family:

I’m so busy with work. But I need to get them away from screens for a while.

Try not to judge or impose your own values. Help your friend open up.

Good plan. Your family is more important than work.

Asking open questions and sharing your own struggles is a great way to open up conversation.

Yeah. My youngest is glued to my phone way too often. How are you going juggling everything?

Try not to impose your own ideas. Help your friend open up.

Just concentrate on your work. The kids can take care of themselves.

Actually, now is not a great time. I need to get back to it.

Don't walk away so easily. Tune in to what your friend is saying and make another plan.

Don’t let me distract you. I’ll leave you to it.

Try to avoid vague promises of future connection.

Making sure you set an appropriate, specific time to check in is a great place to start.

All good. Let’s catch up tomorrow. What time is good?

It’s nice to take a break from everything.

I haven’t got a lot of time, though. Really worried about the kids.

Try not to be dismissive of your friends’ feelings. Aim to open up the conversation rather than shutting it down.

You worry too much. I’m sure they’re ok.

Ask open question questions to help your friend open up and share what’s bothering them.

Don’t be dismissive. Pay attention and mirror what they’re saying back to them.

Kids are tough. They’ll survive. Let’s talk about you.

They’re just spending a lot of time inside and it’s all screen time.

I feel like I should be spending more time with them.

Demonstrating that you're listening and asking questions will help develop the conversation.

So you think they need less screen time more dad time?

This is actually kind of nice. But let's ask some deeper questions.

Don’t shut them down. Ask questions.

I’m sure they’re fine. They can entertain themselves.

But I’m already falling behind with work. I’m not doing anything well right now.

Don’t be prescriptive. Encourage them to find their own solution.

Encourage him to think creatively about how to improve the situation.

Sounds tough. Are there any changes you could make?

Don’t give them orders. Encourage them to find their own solution.

You need to slow down and take a breather!

Encourage action without being overly prescriptive.

You should tell your boss you need to cut back to spend more time with your family.

Offer practical support while encouraging them to take action and come up with their own solution.

Like seeing if your work can offer you more support. Maybe there's room for some flexibility?

That’s a big ask but I suppose I could look into it.

It’s helpful to reflect on your own experiences to encourage vulnerability while encouraging action.

It wouldn’t hurt. I’m still trying to get the whole work life balance thing right too.

<div>Don’t get pushy. A witty catch phrase could easily feel dismissive.</div>

Less talk, more action. Modern problems require modern solutions!

Things were going well. Don’t get pushy and overwhelm this guy.

Get on it! There's plenty of opportunities to change things up.

Yeah. I guess I have to accept something’s got to give.

A lovely sentiment. But let’s set up a check-in.

This is a good first step in setting up a check-in.

Definitely. We should keep in touch. Maybe we could have a weekly catch-up?

Very poetic. But you are not the guru. Stick with being a friend.

Sounds like my work here is done. The answers were inside you along.

Avoid making vague plans for future connection.

Don't leave the conversation without specific intentions for a future check-in.

Try to make specific plans when setting up future check-ins.

<ul><li>Ask questions at an appropriate time.</li><li>Listen and reflect his thoughts back to him.</li><li>Encourage a problem-solving attitude.</li><li>Check in on a regular basis.</li></ul>

Look out for men who are struggling or having difficulty juggling family and work-life. Commit to offering a supportive, listening ear.

Practice supporting a man struggling with a relationship breakdown 

Support a man who is struggling with a relationship breakdown 

He's Heartbroken

<div>Always use open questions that can’t be answered with a yes or no.<ul><li>How are you feeling today?</li><li>What’s on your mind? </li></ul></div>

Maybe try a slightly more specific, open question.

This is a nice question. But try to aim for an open question that can’t be answered with yes and no.

It’s important to avoid judgment and rushing to solutions.

Maybe it’s a good time to think about that question.

Heartbreak can cause a man to be preoccupied with unhelpful questions and thoughts. Try to avoid feeding this cycle.

I dunno, why do you think it never works out?

Listening and validating a man’s feelings may help him feel comfortable and open up further.

Oof, sounds tough. And I know it can feel like an endless cycle.

Ask clarifying questions to demonstrate that you’re paying attention and actively interested.

Try and avoid being dismissive of how a man feels.

Nah I don’t think so. . . You did your best.

You may have heard it all before but your friend needs you. Try not to shut the conversation down.

Who knows, but you’re starting to sound like a broken record. 

Maybe not a great time to rub salt in his wound.

Recognizing the emotion the man is feeling is a great way to validate. This as well as asking questions helps nudge the conversation towards the man talking about his emotions.

Sounds like there’s a bit of regret there? 

I just keep getting these waves of sadness. Replaying it over and over.

Avoid judging and jumping to conclusions.

Maybe we can inspire more positive changes.

Let’s go out, get loose, and drink the pain away.

Normalizing their reactions and encouraging action that may help them are great next steps.

Yeah, that’s understandable. Have you been taking care of yourself?

Doesn’t seem like there’s much point.

Sharing your own struggles and experience in encouraging action can be helpful.

I know it’s tough. But getting out and moving my body often helps me out of a funk.

Be patient. Pushing him probably won’t help. He needs to decide to take action himself.

I know it’s tough. But you should make an effort.

I know it’s tough. But you should listen to me.

Look for ways to offer creative and practical help in encouraging action.

You could join me and the office running club for our lunch time runs. 

Tired turns of phrase can be impersonal and move the conversation away from meaningful outcomes.

See! The answers were inside you all along.

It’s always good to encourage exercise. But maybe this is an opportunity for further connection.

Time to hit the gym and distract yourself. It works for me.

Planning a check-in and demonstrating your concern is a great way to be supportive.

And let’s catch up in a couple of days. I’m here for you while you’re going through this. I know it’s tough.

Avoid being judgmental or dismissive.

And I don’t want to hear you moping about anymore.

Try and be more specific when setting a time for a check-in.

Always try and be specific when setting a time for a check-in.

This is a good opportunity to plan a specific check-in time.

<ul><li>Ask open questions that can't be answered with a yes or no</li><li>Listen by using clarifying question to fully understand what is being said</li><li>Encourage Action through promoting exercise or other forms of positive self-care</li><li>Check-in by making specific and definite plans to catch up</li></ul>

Look out for men who are heartbroken and struggling. Be patient, gentle, and understanding. But most of all, offer friendship and connection.

 Practice how you might talk to a man who is unemployed and uncertain.

Support a man who is unemployed and uncertain

He's Unemployed & Uncertain

I have no idea how I’m going to find a job at this point.

Acknowledging what they've shared and being honest and vulnerable about your own struggles can help open up the conversation. Asking open questions will help too.

That sounds really tough. The uncertainty is getting to me as well. How are you holding up?

Try not to jump to solutions. Consider sharing your own struggles instead.

Maybe you should think about all the creative stuff you can get done!

Have you seen if there are any jobs available? Maybe a side hustle?

Yeah, I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do.

It’s my problem though. I’ll be all right.

<div>Always ask open-ended questions that can't be answered with a simple yes or no.<ul><li>How are you doing?</li><li>What’s on your mind?</li><li>What’s been happening?</li></ul></div>

No doubt you'll be right. But how are you holding up?

Find Your Practice Conversation

Heard of ALEC?

Ask

How to
Ask

Ask how they are and what's been happening lately?

Listen

How to
Listen

Listen and give them your full attention

Encourage action

How to
Encourage Action

Encourage them to take action towards feeling better

Checking in

How to
Check In

Check-in with them regularly after your chat

Testing

How to
Test 30

Test

Therapy For Men

Articles & Resources

New men's mental health article for testing 3 tickets

How to set and maintain healthy boundaries

How to talk about relationship problems with your partner

Find Your Practice Conversation

Heard of ALEC?

Ask

How to Ask

Ask how they are and what's been happening lately?

Listen

How to Listen

Listen and give them your full attention

Encourage action

How to Encourage Action

Encourage them to take action towards feeling better

Checking in

How to Check In

Check-in with them regularly after your chat

Testing

How to Test 30

Test

Therapy For Men

Articles & Resources

New men's mental health article for testing 3 tickets

How to set and maintain healthy boundaries

How to talk about relationship problems with your partner

How to
Ask

How to
Listen

How to
Encourage Action

How to
Check In

How to
Test 30