Next steps for getting a man to go to therapy
Ok so you’ve watched the AWESOME what is therapy video series. And now you’re on board with getting a man you know (who could benefit from therapy) to give it some serious thought. So where do you start? Great question. Let’s get into it.
Getting a guy to consider therapy
Flagging with a man that he seems like he’s struggling, might be met with some resistance. Maybe even denial. It’s quite a common response. But one of the first steps to getting help is knowing there’s something you need help with. He might not even recognize he has a problem or share the concerns of others. So what do you do? First up:
- Try to understand what's going on for him by asking open, curious questions. Don’t assume or jump to conclusions.
- Let him know what you’ve noticed that made you think he might be struggling. Share your concerns or changes you’ve clocked.
- Hold off on trying to intervene until you understand what his challenges are. Take your time.
- If you think the challenges he’s facing could do with some professional support, like seeing a therapist, gently make this suggestion. His reaction will give you a sense of how open he currently is to this type of support.
- There are barriers for some men when it comes to accessing psychological help and support. Some resistance should be expected. He might not be on board straight away.
What to say and do
So what should you say exactly? You might say: "I'm worried about you" or "you don't seem like yourself" or "you're different than you were [x] months ago."
Try framing professional help seeking as a strength:
- We can all benefit from learning more about how our brain and mind work
- Learning how we operate can help us navigate life’s ups and down more effectively
- Learning more about ourselves is something to be curious about and not feared
- Professional support is not just about dealing with problems, it can also help us reach our full potential
- There will always be times when an outside and impartial perspective can help
- What’s the worst that could happen?
What should you not say?
- Avoid telling him he's "mental" or "crazy”
- Steer clear of issuing an ultimatum ('get help or else")
- Don't go telling him he's being an idiot or a "stereotypical man" if he refuses
When to encourage therapy
The signs to look for
More great questions. Here’s some signs to be on the lookout for:
- He just doesn’t seem his usual self.
- He’s stopped doing or enjoying the things he’s always done and enjoyed before.
- Maybe he’s losing his temper more easily than he used to. Struggling with rage, anger or resentment?
- Or maybe he’s started drinking more or using other substances to try and cope.
- He’s taking risky maybe even dangerous chances- physically, financially etc.
- He seems like he’s struggling with his mental health- he’s low, down, anxious or stressed.
- He’s having relationship issues, going through a breakup or divorce?
Is he going through a big life change? Becoming a dad for the first time? Retiring? Grieving? - Just seems a bit overwhelmed and not coping with life.
- Not caring any more, feeling hopeless, withdrawing socially or seems checked out?
- Having trouble functioning well at school or work.
- He’s feeling stuck, or could do with some support in sorting out a specific life problem?
What if he says he’s fine or refuses help?
Try to remain compassionate and motivated to support him with what he’s going through. Even if you don’t agree or feel frustrated he won’t act on your concern. You can’t force someone.
Don’t give up on him though. In the meantime:
- Share the ‘What is therapy’ video series using one of the suggested sharing prompts.
- Go back to your ALEC skills (Ask, Listen, Encourage Action, Check in).
- Share any positive experiences you might have had with therapy.
- An ultimatum is not recommended. He might have a bad experience if he’s not engaged and he won’t go again.
- Consider whether now is the right time for therapy? Or if it’s maybe something that could be explored in the future. Knowing there’s an option still unexplored can be protective.
- Acknowledge what he said; no one likes being ignored. And tell him you remain concerned.
- Think of this as the first of several conversations. Then you'll feel less pressure to convince him in ‘The One Conversation Where You Save Your Friend.’
- Consider your own needs for help and support. Supporting people through difficult times can be challenging.
Why are guys often resistant to therapy?
There can be loads of reasons. A lot of guys think they should be able to solve the problem on their own. They may think that part of "being a man" is about standing on your own two feet and trusting your own judgement. But being a man doesn't mean you should suffer when there is help available. And the folks at the top - professional athletes, entertainers, and corporate leaders - all have people (coaches, agents, consultants, colleagues) to help them work through problems and make better decisions. Why shouldn't a regular guy have access to help?
What are the next steps?
Once the decision has been made to find a therapist, how can you best help?
If he seems even slightly open to considering professional help, keep up the gentle encouragement.
Check in with him and ask questions like, ‘Did you make that appointment for the doctor or therapist?’
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What if I'm worried they’re at risk of self-harm or suicide?
Take action. Speak to them openly about your concerns. Help connect them with professionals (e.g., therapist, doctor, suicide call back service or helpline). Or if there’s immediate risk call emergency services or a local mental health triage service.
Supporting a guy who's struggling?
Wondering where he should start in even finding a therapist? Or want to learn about wait times or costs? Find out a bit more about therapy and how it all works by clicking the button below.
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